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post #12
bio: stu

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Notes on Sobriety
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Uber, but For Wrong Numbers
On the Greatest Political Satire of the 21st Century


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11 Things Learned After Leaving the Apartment One Saturday Afternoon (all from different sources)
In which our intrepid drunkard learns about life, love, and children over the course of 24 hours in New York City.

Listed in order learned, all from different people. Lessons occur in real time.

1. That the cute silhouette and her cat from across the way was so overwhelmed with love for me that she was forced to move out and become a fond memory never to be gazed at surreptitiously again.

2. That the proper response to "Mommy, hold me," is "Be quiet and sit down."

3. That the proper response to, "Mommy, is the train going too fast?" is "You have a brain. Why don't you learn to use it?"

4. "I hate you, remember that," is the proper parental response to your child saying, "You're stupid! Leave me alone!"

5. That the proper response to your child crying is, "Shut up. Do you want to be a faggot when you grow up?"

6. That it's possible to hate kids, but hate parents much much much more.

7. The best conversations on a crowded subway car are to be had between two people listening to headphones and struggling to hear each other without turning them down. Having the conversation be about that "crazy bitch last night," is optional.

8. Italics and the semicolon were invented by a man named Aldus Manutius the Elder during the 1490s. He also adapted something known as the "virgule" into what is now known as the "comma." (I already knew what the "comma" was. The rest was new to me.)

9. $9 is too damn much to pay for a bourbon and coke when the bourbon is Jack Daniels, no matter how goddamn cute and scantily clad the bartender is.

10. "Do you want to go somewhere and make out?" is actually a really good pickup line. So, thanks happyrobot!

11. Beggars outnumber beggees on the 6am Uptown A train, but luckily also outnumber raving homeless men who like to play with themselves.

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