Drunk Blogging the Debate: The Rules In this post-modern age where image means so much more than actual reality, and where chemical dependence is a way of life for so many people, it's amazing that no one else seems to have come up with this idea first. Combining my two passions--sitting around on my ass yelling imprecations at strangers, and drinking heavily--your humble post-modern drunkard has taken it upon himself to live-blog tonight's final presidential debate, whilst at the same time playing a presidential debate drinking game of his own devising. And yes, I've devised this to be punishing.
My liver and my fellow countrymen, I apologize.
First, the rules:
Drink One Drink If:
Anyone says "terrorism"
Anyone says "Halliburton"
A candidate mentions an ordinary American by name
A candidate mentions Bill Clinton
A candidate mentions John Ashcroft
A candidate mentions Enron
A candidate mentions a member of his or her family
A candidate gives out his or her campaign Web site URL
Anyone says "flip flop"
Anyone says "Saddam Hussein"
Anyone blames "the media"
Anyone mentions their own military service
Anyone says "September 11"
One candidate interrupts another candidate
Any candidate uses a quote from a previous debate to attack their opponent.
Either candidate uses the words "global test" or talks about terrorism as a "nuisance."
Bush says "mixed messages." Finish your drink if he pronounces it incorrectly.
Bush says "nukular."
Kerry says either, "I have a plan," or "We can do better."
Drink Two Drinks If:
Bush says "cut and run"
Kerry says "W stands for wrong"
Either candidate talks past their time limit
Kerry brings up Bush's "Mission Accomplished" moment
Bush mentions Crawford, TX
Anyone whips out "evidence"
Anyone says "Osama bin Laden"
Anyone mentions blogs
Kerry mentions Christopher Reeve
Anyone invokes the hurricane sympathy vote
Anyone mentions "North Korea"
Kerry mentions Bush wants to reinstate the draft or says the words "backdoor draft."
A candidate says a rival is "wrong"
A candidate says he or she is "surprised" by something a rival says
Anyone brings up "$87 billion dollars."
Anyone brings up the War in Iraq costing $120 billion rather than $200 billion.
Bush says that Kerry voted to raise taxes 98 times. Finish your drink if he says a number different from 98.
Either candidate says something you know to be a lie.
Bush says that Kerry is the most consistently liberal senator in the Senate. Finish your drink if he says that Kerry is a flip-flopper who can't make up his mind in the same answer.
Finish Your Glass If:
Anyone in the audience gets dragged out of the auditorium
Bush mentions Christopher Reeve (not in response to Kerry)
Bush mispronounces any word or name
Anyone says "Osama bin Hidin'"
Anyone uses a sports metaphor
Anyone attempts to speak Spanish to pander to Latinos
Kerry accuses Bush of being a pansy for avoiding Vietnam
Bush admits he made a mistake ("miscalculation" counts)
Either candidate starts yelling at the moderator.
You laugh out loud at a candidate's joke
Finish the Bottle If:
Anyone challenges anyone to a duel. If your candidate wins the duel, pour out a libation in their honor.
The transmitter on Bush's back is revealed on air.
Okay, the weapons I have at my disposal are: 3 24 oz bottles of cheap beer A magnum of crappy pink wine Old Crow straight Kentucky Bourbon (for shots) Skyy Vodka, and orange juice, to spice things up.
If you're interested in playing along, those are your rules. I will be "live blogging" in name only. In the interest of making things as simple as possible for my soon-to-be drunk self, I will post my comments after the end of the debate. See you then--in a hazy sort of way, most likely.