More About You
Because I have a narcissism that apparently fits in well here at happyrobot, I have a sudden need to know (and dictate) a few things about those who read Post-Modern Drunkard.
- If you read Post-Modern Drunkard when I post, leave a comment.
- If you want me to quit my whinging and pull myself together, leave a comment on one of my old posts--I'll find it eventually.
- If you have any requests of dreams for me to write about, then sacrifice a chicken to your favorite dark lord and practice your astral projection; the queue starts to the left of my window.
- If you've ever bought alcohol because I reviewed it, get your head examined. The alcohol I go for is rank shit.
- If you're my mom, how the hell did you find this? Also, it's, ummm, all made up. Thanks for the ties, by the way.
- If you like to play poker, send me a robot message.
- If you're a single female or looking for something on the side, send me your number.
- If you're a single male or looking for something on the side, do a keg stand.
- If you've ever gotten drunk enough to try to break through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man, do a Jello Shot and shout "Ooooooh yeah!"
- If you're drunk right now, share some with the rest of us.
- If you're dating someone from happyrobot, you must name your firstborn after one of us.
- If you're succeptible to peer pressure, try this crack. Everybody's doing it.
- If you're drinking vodka, be sure that you play the Russian drinking song.
- If you have any mixing ability, make me a dance mix of the Soviet National Anthem, and I'll love you forever.
- If you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, move all the contents of your right pocket to the left, and the left to your right. Keep it that way for 40 hours and 40 minutes.
- If Jesus speaks to you, put in a good word for me.
- If you're feeling sinister, go off and see a minister.
- If you live in New York City, have a drink at the Magician or Nancy Whiskey Pub in the next 93 hours.
- If you've ever been to India, have a hamburger for lunch today.
- If you've ever received a mix CD from me, return my calls.
- If you own an iPod, you should defrag it from time to time to extend the battery life.
- If you've never had a croissant from Patisserie Claude, you're missing out on heaven on earth.
- If you use the words "mixed tape" or speak about the Book of "Revelations," you must work the words "minyan," "effulgent," "inamorata," "bastinado" and "kirkbuzzer" into a conversation over the next 6 days.
- If you haven't played the happyrobot drinking game, do so.
- If you don't capitalize when you write, you can find the shift key to the left of the z and to the right of the ?/ button. It's so important, they gave you two!
- If you get the "Reading Rainbow" theme stuck in your head easily, you're going to hate me for just bringing it up.
- If you've ever said, "It's not you, it's me," do a lap around the office barefoot, and then tell us, was it actually her?
- If you broke up with your high school sweetheart a semester or two into college, call them tonight at 3am and tell them you're sorry.
- If your high school sweetheart broke up with you a semester or two into college, call them tonight after five shots of tequila. Say whatever is on your mind.
- If you smoke, give at least one cigarette to a kid between the ages of nine and thirteen.
- If you are a redhead, try to get arrested for "Criminal Mischief."
- If your computer server is named after a Norse, Greek, or Roman god, change it's name to an Aztec Deity, Catholic Saint, or favorite incarnation of Krishna.
- If you followed any of these instructions, I've been thinking of starting a cult, and I think you'd fit in perfectly.