An Open Letter to My Ex-Boss My boss introduced me to happyrobot back in 2003, and as he recently went to a better place (somewhere in Brooklyn, that is, not up to heaven), I feel I owe him a quick note of apology for all the things I did or didn't done during my tenure as his minion.
First, though, a quick thank you for your chronic lateness; you enabled me to get an extra half-hour of sleep without having to worry about getting in too much trouble. And when you came in on time? Sorry that the "trains were late" that day.
Just a quick heads-up. I'm going to be blaming you for everything that goes wrong in the department for the next few months, so I wouldn't try using anyone here for a reference.
And, to be honest, the only time I did any work was when I could hear someone walking around behind me. Thank you for not having a light step. (Also, thank god for ALT-TAB).
All those times I went "down to Accounting?" Yeah, sorry, I was actually just visiting people o the sixth floor to flirt, bitch about work, or polish up our resumes.
All those times I went "down to Studio 61?" Yeah, well, that was actually stepping outside to smoke. It's an addiction, man.
I only really pretended to care all that much about classical music.
That one time you had our department over and made us dinner? I spent most of the evening badmouthing you to your cats whenever your back was turned. Sorry that they now look at you with disdain.
The following days are days I did substandard work because of hangovers of varying intensity and duration: June 6th, August 10th, October 10, December 13th, January 2-6th, most of February, and Mondays.
Those weeks I missed of work in January? When I was out with "pneumonia?" No, I wasn't in the Bahamas, like you suspected. I'm loath to admit this, but I was actually at this special camp to help people come to terms with being a plushy. I'm not proud for lying to you, but at least now I can live a normal life without this hideous secret. And you should have seen the orgies! Imagine "Where the Wild Things Are," with more lube.
And while we're on the subject of vacation, I suppose I should mention that that trip to Italy in November was really an extended business trip of sorts--the extra day in the country was actually because I was having trouble tracking down an associate. You wouldn't happen to know where to unload a brick of hashish, would you?
I only smoked up a couple of times at work, I swear, though I did store my stash in your office, just in case. I guess we're both lucky that worked out so well.
Oh, that really cute girl you met last year who was really into Belle and Sebastian and Sondheim called up while you were out--she said she was ready to commit and that you should call her back by the end of the day--if she didn't hear from you, she'd never bring it up again. Sorry I forgot to give you her message--it slipped my mind.
She left her number, by the way. I hope you don't mind if I give her a call.