In Defense of Offense It seems like everyday I hear someone decry how mean, rude, and uncouth people are becoming. Coarse and vulgar, obscene and debased: that's what we are these days, apparently.
To these people I must say, "Fuck you very much! And while we're at it, fuck your mother, too, if that's possible these days without picking up something that'll make me bleed when I pee. It's whiny little fucksticks like you that want to separate us of everything worth living for, so come here so I can blow smoke in your face, drip grease from my burger onto your shoes, and possibly sodomize you if the mood strikes me."
I, for one, welcome our new asshole overlords. I'm sick of being told that the greatest virtue is liking everyone, getting along, just accepting people for who they are. So if you can't say something nice about someone, come sit next to me. Being accepting and forgiving of everything is an express elevator down to that greatest of sins: Mediocrity. Most people with high self-esteem don't deserve it, and most people with low self-esteem just use their interminable whining to try to get us to cheer them up with lies about how great they really are. Knock 'em down, and then kick the fuckers while they're low. Otherwise they might get up again.
But I'm probably biased, because I'm exceptionally good at not liking people. It started way back in grade school: "Doesn't play well with others" usually sat on my report card between "Very bright, but doesn't apply self," and "Treats the mongoloids he's forced to endure with a world-weary condescension that is unbecoming a 6-year old."
A steady diet of H.L. Mencken, Mark Twain, and Harlan Ellison later taught me the most important lesson you can learn: most people are no damn good, and you can either accept their mediocrity and bear it, or harass them until they either get better or go away.
Try it. Not only will your enemies feel worse, but your friends will feel better knowing that you've weighed them against your impossibly high standards and they've not been found wanting.