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read this before killing yourself on valentine's day

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post #33
bio: vera
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2/14/2005
02:59

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Alternatives to Sweethearts; look around they are out there.

Valentine's Day does not have to be the biggest reason for Suicide-via-sans-sweetheart of the year!

Take a look at these reasons to celebrate:

1. You have a really cute kid (or kids) at home. Your daughter wakes you up on Valentine's Day with hazelnut coffee (she ground the beans herself and roasted a fresh pot) and two buttered English muffins on a plate. This is at 9:45 a.m. and you slept well. What a sweetie.

2. You share the excitement of this same cute little girl by digging into your dresser drawer for old pairs of post earrings. Her six-week wait after ear piercing is over and she IS excited about trying new earrings! Now, you are her sweetie, because you have given her a pair of opals, and some delicate gold rings for her collection.

3. You love flowers so much that you buy yourself peachblow roses at Safeway and put them into a crystal vase in the middle of your living room. You buy one rose for every year you didn't have an irritating male (or female) leaving wet towels on your bed and dirty dishes under the couch. You may clip off the thorns and name them; Dirk/Desiree, Greg/Gussie, Eric/Eden and Trevor/Tori. Then, grind them up in the garbage disposal. Immediately after, sniff deeply into the dusky scent of your roses. Ahhhhhhh.

4. You know that you are a chocolate addict and therefore passed this gene to your children, or fully intend to do so when you have children. You call up Farrago Chocolates in NE Portland and order a "special." It arrives for V-day as desired and you and the cute kid(s) you have at home do this: Open package very fast. Lift the real chocolate lid (embossed with Cupid) off the heart-shaped chocolate box (embossed with roses). Sniff the chocolaty-ness of truffles nestled within...then lick them before popping them whole into your mouth. Split the truffles equally amongst yourselves; then Mom (or Dad) gets the lid, and kids split the box, first biting around the top edge of the box and eating the bottom last.

5. Music. That tender healer of broken love affairs. Are you having a love affair now? If so, stop reading #5. If not, play Pavarotti's "Romantica" and pretend he resembles his voice (shhhhh, I know it's a stretch); mainly, fall in luv with his luuuuuuvvv-lee voice. Then, play Air Supply's "Definitive Collection." When you get to "Two Less Lonely People in the World," trim that figure down to "One Less Lonely Person" by breaking the CD with your bare hands. (If it splinters nicely, you can drill holes into the shards and make ornaments which attract songbirds.) You don't need this kind of Air Supply drivel--every song has "LOVE" in it! Decide to have more music sense between this V-day and next. After you settle this music score, play hard rock or thrash metal--it kills intelligent thought, something we don't need on Valentine's Day. Also, The Best of Spongebob Squarepants Singing His Best rivals any Valentine's music I can think of. (In terms of from-the-gut laughs and pimple-popping screams.)

6. Dinner out. Why not dinner in? Realistically, what are your favorite foods? Don't they include fat, starch, sugar, carbs, and salt? Can't you eat them at home? (Home is where you can avoid noticing those obnoxious lovers in the dark corners of Mario's Fine Pasta, sitting at candlelit tables made to seat one and eating each others tongues.) Deep fry some prawns in beer batter and dip them in butter and garlic. Accompany with a salted rice pilaf, (brown the orzo in butter) and three different desserts: Cherry Brandy Cheesecake. Death by Chocolate Cake. Triple Chocolate Hot Fudge Sundaes Sprinkled with Crumbled Oreos. Invite your lonely grandma, the drunken diva from next door, or your own loopy little mother who lost her husband just last year. And, include that sweet daughter with the new heart-shaped earrings. Sink into the goodness of your meal.

7. If you are silly enough to cry on Valentine's Day because you have no sweetheart--sobs busting forth as you lay your cheek on the dinette table, the scene of your last meal with Him--do you know how pitiful that looks on the security camera which He installed secretly in the high corner above your kitchen cabinet? Just say no to the wretched past, and move on to #8.

8. Who are the people you love, that are worthy of love and return it to you? Think hard on this. Then, buy a pad of construction paper which contains The Traditional Colors for Valentines: Red, White and Pink. (Next year, we'll talk about debunking the phobia-obsession America has with only allowing Certain Colors for Certain Holidays.) In the meantime, pretend you are 6 or 8 or 2. Cut out some Valentine's hearts with those little blunt-nosed scissors. Stick on some stickers. Write with crayons and make crooked hearts with sweet sayings inside them. Add paper lace doilies for backing and glitter. Make little paper boxes, top the lid with your cut-out Valentine, and fill them with Necco Candy Hearts. Choose your messages carefully: I Heart You. UR #1. Call Me. Message Me. I love You. UR Cool. UR the Best. Sweetie Pie! U and Me 4-ever. Pass one out to everyone you love.

9. Happy Valentine's Day!


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