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post #260
bio: rich

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that week

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Robot Communion steps 1 thru 3

Aiyee! I know him!
Nothing like being out of town and checking your email and going over to theOnion and you see a guy you know on the front page of theOnion. A pal of ours has a personals ad on that dating service that does theOnion and Nerve and TimeOut and every other site in the world.
This pal may even be a happyrobot contributor.

You call that sexy
What is sexy: waffles
What is sexier: eggs & waffles

April 7
It's snowing.

South of NYC is beautiful and spring-like and warm. Pollen everywhere, yes, but beautiful nonetheless.
NYC is expecting a blizzard.
The war rages on and too many people sit around and watch too much TV.
Turn off the TV. I mean, turn off the TV normally, but especially now: Turn it off.
You people watch too much TV.

Do parents get nuttier or do we just grow wary of their shtick?

I have no idea how the communion thing works. I went to a catholic school for a year and had a best friend who was catholic, but I have never figured out the communion thing. And to be honest, I was a bit scarred by the whole thing as a child once.

I have no idea how old I was, but I was still a bit young. I had gone to mass with my childhood chum and of course they did communion. Honestly, I don't think I had ever seen or heard of communion before (give me a break - I lived in a hippy town down south). Everyone is standing up and walking to the front and I am madly trying to figure out what the hell is going on, and most importantly, what I have to do to get through this thing with little or no embarrassment.

Next thing I know I am standing in front of the priest, clueless. He's got a wafer. Before I can even think, someone pushes me out of the way. Maybe I had stood there too long... maybe I wasn't supposed to be standing there - no idea. I think childhood chum's brother might of pushed me away, which was a good idea.
The next thing I know is the priest is giving me the most evil eye ever as I slowly shuffle away - I mean really glaring. Like making a scene of it.

So, publicly, and without making me destined for hell, I would like to say to the priest in question: fuck you.

Granted, I had no idea what I was doing and I probably didn't even belong near your voodoo ceremony, but the evil eye / glaring thing is something that has scarred me for life from ever thinking about communion.

jack ass.

Communion II
Years later my dear parents enrolled me in a catholic school so as not to expose me to the creepy inner-city junior high. I know that sounds bad and racist and all, but it was true. The junior high in my town was spooky.
When 6th and 7th grade rolled around, there was a lot of white flight out of the city school system until we reached the 10th grade and the cool high school.
Sad, but true.

In Catholic school we had a few funny things:
1. you had to stand up and greet the headmaster when she came in. "Good morning ms. blahblahblah". The first time this happened, me being a gangsta city school student thought it was some sort of ironic joke - bad idea.

2. you had to go to mass every friday - mass in the same church as the communion story above.

3. you had to take a religion class.

Side note about the religion class: I did horribly in that. In fact, I so resented the fact that I had to take a religion class that I purposely did badly. Like, making jokes on my exam. They gave some sort of state standardized catholic test and I totally did the ACDC ABBA all the way down the answer sheet.
For the year, I got a B in that class. No idea how or why that happened. My parent's were like, "you got a B in religion?" - they were as surprised as I was.

OK, so during Friday communion, my partner in crime and I would not take communion. Easy enough. The nice thing was, you weren't harassed or glared out somehow. I was just the "methodist boy" and my pal was, "the son of college professors" and we just didn't do communion. In fact, I think it was decided when my teacher asked, "do you take communion" and was like, "um, no?"
And that was that.

Note: the priest that was at the church then was different from Father Glare-a-lot. This priest was a goofball, but meant well I think.

Communion III
We are at a baptism and they are also doing communion. Everyone is doing it - the only ones who aren't are the terribly frail old people who just can't move. I asked Mrs. Robot, "isn't there some sort of status you have to have to take communion".
She thought maybe you had to have been confirmed.

"Did you take confirmation classes on Saturday afternoons as a kid?"
Ha. Church on a Saturday afternoon? No. I know that for sure.

But, there was no choice. Everyone was going up, and this whole system seemed very easy to figure out.
And the fact everyone was doing it.
So, I did too.
Honestly, I was a bit jumpy, and when I sat down I wiped my brow, which had a bead of sweat on it. Mass peer pressure I suppose -or- the fear of appearing to my in-law's family as some sort of satanist urbanite jerk nut.

There is my therapy for the week. I hope my catholic pals don't take offense. Our pal Eric (W) has a great catholic church story that maybe he will share. Eric: it's the one that you could entitle "the day my family left the Catholic Church"

I'll get on my story soon. All 3 sentences worth of it! Right now I'm off to a sneak preview of A Mighty Wind!
»st. pooves ||  4/7/2003 ||  5:26:29 PM
rich, how scary! I just bought the book on catholicism (i'm assuming so as its gazillion pages entitled "Catholicism") from M. Daughtry on front strasse in lil ole wilmington (yes, we are lovely this time of year). Sooo yes!!! on communion. I was a better faker and took my wafer like the people in front of me.... so their
»kristen ||  4/7/2003 ||  6:32:55 PM
I'm no Catholic, but I'm pretty sure you're only supposed to take Communion if you are baptized Catholic, and even then, they guilt you if you haven't been to confession in a while. Other religions don't care, but don't mess with that Catholic host.

And why, I wonder, do you never hear someone yell, "Damn! Now THAT'S good Host!" after taking Communion? Is there Cool Ranch Host?
»michalita ||  url || 4/10/2003 ||  2:08:16 PM
rich, you're going to hell. faster.
»liz ||  4/10/2003 ||  3:51:16 PM

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