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post #193
bio: rich

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Talk to the animals

Talk to the animals
I like the animals, at least the furry, cute non rodent ones. I live with a cat. We kind of rescued her from our college neighbors who lived in this 24-hour party house with alligators in the bathtub, pig-pickings in the back yard, and a spooky arrangement of goths, frat boys, and hippys all living peacefully together.
We had to save her.

She was outside one night by herself, and it was really cold and she was meowing. We came home from some malt liquor infused rock show and as I was walking into the house, I heard her little kitten cries. I spotted her in the bushes and said, "come here kitty".
And she did.
I don't recall anyone voting on whether to let a cat in the house, but it was too late. She has been with us for the past 10 years entertaining us with her cranky cat antics.

The point is I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could talk to all animals.
My fantasy is that after talking with my cat, we could work out the issues we have and all would be well. In reality, I think this would never work.
Not that dogs or cats are dumb or anything – but they are dogs and cats, you know.
I suspect talking to them would be like talking to a developmentally disabled child or, really, any child.

When I was a pup my parents had some friends who had a kid that was my same age AND had my same name (except he went with unfortunate nickname of ‘Dick').
Something was wrong with him, but I was too young to ever understand what. Mentally disabled of some kind. All I remember was him breaking the crap out of my toys. He would break my toys if we told him not to. He would break them if we told him to break them. There was no reverse psychology happening with this kid. He just broke toys. Mine.

I hated him. I know that's all mean and stuff, but I was a kid, and this asshole was breaking my shit.
I hated him so much that my mom finally got a clue and I was taken off his ‘playdate' calendar.
His mom served Melba Toast as a snack. I still think of that when I someone serves me Melba Toast. And Lorne Doone cookies.

But, I remember him driving me crazy. He wouldn't listen to me.
"hey, don't break my new airplane"
"hey, put that down"
"ok, now put my brother down"

Infuriating. I was like one of those control freak little girls when he was around.

Back to animals
I somehow imagine talking to animals to be along the same lines...

Me: "Listen, can you not scratch that chair"
Cat: "That's my scratching chair"
Me: "Right, but you already have two scratching posts. Use those please."
Cat: "But, that's my scratching chair"
Me: "I understand you like the chair, but I am saying, unless you like to live with the alley cats, don't scratch that chair."
Cat: "are you threatening me? Hang on, I gotta go to my scratching chair"

Me: "When we play, would you not totally slice my hands with your claws"
Cat: "If you had fur, that wouldn't be a problem"
Me: "Right, but I don't. So, just watch the claws."
Cat: "You should really have fur"
Me: "Well, I don't. And I won't."
Cat: "You should really have fur"

Cat poops in box and then runs like a madman from one end of our apartment to the other.
Me: "Why are you running?"
Cat: "Something just came out of my butt"
Me: "Yea, you were in your box, pooping right?"
Cat: "Yes, but something just came out of my butt"
Me: "That was your own poop"
Cat: "Whatever. All I know is that something came out of my butt"

Cat is on table trying to steal food off my plate
Me: "Would you stop that"
Cat: "But you have food"
Me: "Yes, it's MY food"
Cat: "But I want it"
Me: "No, this is MY food"
Cat: "But I want it"

My brother has this lovely brown labrador. Her annoying habit is when she gets in lick mode and just sits there trying to lick you. Her tongue shoots in and out like a snake and she makes this hysterical tongue-in-and-out noise while she is doing it. Mrs. Robot says I can do a good imitation of it, and if you want, call me and I can do it for you over the phone.
But it's kind of annoying.

Me: "Stop trying to lick everybody"
Dog: "If you get in my way, and I lick you, it's not my fault"
Me: "Quiiiiittttt it!"
Dog pushes me over onto floor, pins me down, and licks me (happens all the time).

I guess my whole point is that being able to talk to the animals probably wouldn't gain us anything. Frustration. Annoyance.
Can you imagine having dogs making snide comments as they walk by you?
"Hey two legs"
"Smell my butt"

(I imagine Squirrels would be like those ‘bacon' dogs on the tv commercials. They would just run around going, "NUTS! GOTTA GET NUTS! I AM SQUIRREL! NUUUUUTS!"
Squirrels would refer to themselves in the third person I bet.
"Squirrel needs nuts!")

This is so funny.
»potro ||  10/22/2002 ||  10:39:46 AM

I'm cat-sitting for a few days, and I would very much like to be able to explain to Sonny that I'm not just tormenting him; the goo I'm force-feeding him is medicine for his runny nose, and he'll feel better if he eats it.
»matthew ||  10/22/2002 ||  10:54:58 AM
There can be no peace between Goths and Hippys.
»klutch.xls ||  10/22/2002 ||  11:52:18 AM
Mrs. Robot takes care of this old cat. he's like 50. and he sneezes all the time. We call him Sneezy Kitty. She has to give him medicine all the time. it's not fun.

i can't do it - i don't have the EGGS i guess. She worked in a vet office as a kid, so it's second nature to her.
»:r ||  10/22/2002 ||  1:25:22 PM
This story is totally unbelievable. Goths, hippies and frat boys living together? Impossible. Where did you really get that cat? You still her from a little girl with golden ringlets didn't you?
»pat ||  10/22/2002 ||  1:45:40 PM
From what I can deduce, there were goths doing kegstands, hippies listening to the cure, and frat boys making daisy chains.
I gotta go. The Four Hoursemen are at my door.
»chris ||  10/22/2002 ||  4:45:53 PM
So you stole the cat, essentially? Did they ever find out?
»dave bug ||  url || 10/22/2002 ||  5:19:24 PM
they actually didn't like her. she kept stealing food from their old cat. they said we were free to keep her.
»:r ||  10/22/2002 ||  5:40:02 PM
i would tell my cat this: "a few times you've puked in the breezeway of our apartment complex, and apparently the neigbors complained to our landlord about how you puke in the breezeway - so, if you don't want to be locked inside all day, i need you to be a sweetie and puke in the grass... also, i give you chicken from my plate because it's cute - but seriously, you're getting fat."
»julie justice, superhero ||  10/22/2002 ||  7:18:33 PM
Have you watched "The Pet Psychic?"- Animal Planet Channel. Also "The Jeff Corbin Experience"- he doesn't claim to speak to the animals, he just makes funny voices and pretends.
»a ||  10/23/2002 ||  12:12:12 AM
There was a whole dexter's lab episode devoted to this. dexter finds a stray dog and devises a way that the dog could talk so he could find his owner. he finds that the dog is of course stupid by human language standards and proceeds with wackiness like barking out of the window at the other dogs in the middle of the night except with, "hey, you guys are barking, I'm barking, I'm a dog, I'm over here, your over there and you're barking and you're a dog!" and, "food, food, food, food, food, food, I want some food!"
When the owner is found he comes to the door and says, "hey, that's my dog, I found my dog!" and the dog says, "hey, it's my man, I found my man!"
I believe that's all that's going on up there.
Of course dogs would yell all the time without the capacity to understand quiet and loud. Much like 3 year old human childrens.
»jae ||  10/23/2002 ||  4:14:47 PM
Jae - that is great. I must start watching cartoons.
»:r ||  10/28/2002 ||  11:25:16 AM
I reread this this weekend. You are a funny boy.
»anne ||  11/21/2005 ||  10:06:28 AM

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