|
"I don't know. your songs. your music. I just don't like them."
"It's like my biscuits. you give me nothing to judge, yet you'll judge the fuck out of anything I produce. comprendez?"
"I've never cooked for you?"
"Never. although I did like your coffee."
The judgers weren't coming. She wept when they sent the declining text. She wonders if it was the air mattress or the boundaries of not talking about her weight, her hair, her housekeeping, her coping mechanisms.
Regardless, she bought herself a treat meal in celebration. Fuck it January was the survival month. the only missive: don't go down with the ship.
She got some trash can fries at the restaurant he loved the most, and she walked from the free parking.
Hardly anything mattered to her.
She wanted to be drunk all the time, but that was a bit unrealistic.
in cali, it would have been stoned. She did that enough to know how boring it got.
But as a lark.
She remembers you grabbing that joint in pine bluff and she loves you so much.
She asked the robot today if she could have salvaged you. "what if I had just left it at him ignoring 'I want to be exclusive' and went from there without sending him any of my writings. would he have still hung out with me.????"
the robot gave conflicting answers, and that tracked.
what was there to say now, "hey dude, sorry I flooded you with a boatload of words to try and get you to see that I love you and want you and will compromise and that I can't say any of that like a fucking adult because my love for you triggers all the love I've ever had and it was often pretty bad - I never was loved for being me. I was loved for being smart, for being clever for being someone I'm not. can we just be new again."
"none of it would matter. you've decided to masturbate to porn rather than be with me.
I fucked it up"
so familiar.
although it was so fun to have you you read the shit if you did.
it's better than being the fawning invisible manic pixie dream girl.
the dark birds were flying to their perches.
it was Tuesday, you'd be having tacos, holding court and knowing all the answers at 8pm - but before that it would be jeopardy.
she knew so much about you.
what did you think you knew?
everything.
always.
that's you.
my love
|
