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she had a lot of complicated feelings...
about everything
or were they simple?
mainly, it seemed simple to her: she loved beauty and companionship and harmony
she went on a walk after dropping the male cat off to get his balls cut off. he was just a good specimen - hardly crying and settling in and getting in his carrier like an ignorant supplicant.
It was weird.
She loved him. She had named him Dobby because they made her give him a name to get the pet services. He just seemed like a Dobby to her - kind of dumb - kind of loving - kind of ignored.
She thought about him all the time - what he was feeling waiting and waiting and the fear. She had told him that he would get to see people and other cats, and he loves both of those - he loves connecting.
Nature was still screaming a symphony at the advent of nature. It was riotous. She used to be fucking pissed at it, but now she felt more numb - huzzah. It was awesome when she woke up this morning and her first thought wasn't of him - but of the process of getting some balls removed from a feline.
He was her second thought of course, but it got less acute. Thank the gods. Even being a fat ass. It didn't really bother her. So, she had drank and eaten the entire continent to get over the feelings of despair. At least she survived - so far. She wished she could be one of those people who starved when they were depressed, but that was more anxiety that made her starve. Depression caused her to stuff and numb and stuff and numb. It was stuffy in her body, and she was fucking bleeding ... again. Ah to be a woman.
During the walk, she had seen that others had cut their lawns - just two - but it was beginning. She knew this weekend would be a riot. She was kind of looking forward to it as she knew it would make her sweat off the pounds of sad flesh.
She had texted Leon again last night. It made her laugh when she re-read it this morning "(everyone liked you)" . What a sweet, narcissi projection thing to say. As if he gave fourteen fucks if anyone in her circle liked him. The dude was
gone.
she was getting more used to it, but she didn't like it. He still seemed spectacular and unprecedented and she didn't want to lose him. But she could no more make him see her and love her than she could part the red fucking sea.
See me.
sea me.
see more.
She had had some good times with him, but it had never been locked and safe - it was always so maybe. It was rather irritating. And always having to wonder "does he like me" when he just had to look at her face "oh this bitch is so into me."
ah the unfairness of life. Take a number.
She brought out the ole manual mower to see if it was going to be of use this year. She cut the tiny patch of front yard. It smelled of onion, and she hated destroying the flowers.
Oh well.
it was like losing a memory.
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