|
She had gotten through the girls' weekend like she had gotten through many things, overindulgence.
It was simple: listen, watch, go to bed early. No one really sits beside her and asks the real question. It both relieved and angered her.
The grass needed cutting. oh well.
nothing was novel anymore.
She kept rubbing her soft warm stomach fat roll like it was a child.
in a way, sure.
She had treated his birthday like the test it was.
He had a rather clear boundary: not her.
the best she could do was try to lie.
It was OK.
"What do you really want?"
He had answered "I like my life."
She hadn't really asked that question, but he had definitely answered one.
Fear.
It was so scary and annoying to have those terrors at night again. the only thing that ever helped was getting up and looking at the sky.
It scared her to feel disconnected - to feel mad.
She had wondered who she could call the other day and say "Can you just talk to me? I feel like I'm going crazy, and just need to see if this helps."
There wasn't anyone she really wanted to be that vulnerable with, but there was a moment that she wondered if she was going to have to commit herself to ...
She wondered what she'd say to someone and called her up and said what she had wanted to say. She knows she would immediately spring into rescue mode. She adored that role.
And she thinks later she'd ask "what exactly do you mean? what does it kind of feel like to feel mad - if you can describe it "
"it feels like being unbearably alone, your record skipping, and no one can speak your language."
Standing in the church her aunt had made them go to and weeping at every word - wanting to badly to believe even a tiny bit of it was true and that something cared about her.
Last night, she had gotten out the calendar where she had marked his arrivals.
It hurt to see what was so ...steadfast.
She always wonders when the crack was - was it even after wilmington when she said "he thinks I'm a loser" about her stepdad. Maybe he had agreed.
Only winners need supply.
everyone at work seemed like they were retiring if they could.
it was like the work death.
she had one task today
a math problem.
One dealt. One dealt. she could always do it tomorrow.
the important thing
was to
not shatter
|
