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The Neighbors are moving in. There is a moving truck.
my heart rejoices. I think they might be lesbians - due to the loving look, holding hands, and Subaru. The only cliche I hope they don't break is that they fucking love to feed starving outdoor cats.
ha
ha
ha
It has been weeks of distraction, and she has adored that.
It has helped to kill the beast of screaming
foolishness
in the most vulnerable of realms: you know the one I'm talking of - rhymes with of in fact.
I'm not allowed to talk about it. I'm messy.
I've loved seeing how I like to write to - as the clinicians say - emotionally regulate.
the other thing I've learned is that when there is ambiguity, I create narrative.
My instructions are to say something when it's small instead of only when it's at 100. To pause before the next sentence - to notice one feeling that I'm having when I'm talking.
when I stress, I perform
to get love.
the usual.
However, I will never be the same after what I went through when I thought I loved a man who reminded me of ... everything.
Oh, and of course I can do whatever I want to with you - but when I'm speaking with people , I have to try to be 20% more fucking straight up.
I talk in codes.
because I'm scared of being
stupid and reading someone wrong and getting
annihilated with all broken limbs.
(like before)
Humans are mammals. We react like dogs do when kicked as puppies.
yawn.
I forced myself to write today. I don't care if you're good. I'm making myself spew. I'm surrounded by flowers.
and I'm satisfied.
--
I wonder if they like chocolate chip pecan oatmeal.
I wonder if I have the energy to ever shop and cook again...
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