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Writing in first person is like being the guest DJ.
I have so much to say to you on my walks but then when I get before you, I often freeze. Like with humans.
Like with humans.
The most blue bird flew across my path during my morning mini-walk. I took it as a sign - bluebirds and all. What else am I to do?
The hard part is accepting what is.
and yes nagging voice in my head, I will get that expense report done today by Grabthar's hammer.
I'm someone who grew up kind of feral - without feedback besides criticism.
It's like asking an infant to lift the cat litter expecting me to navigate relationships, and I know I'm old, but I'm also crusty and stubborn. I have surrounded myself with either nothing or curated yes-es.
and that doesn't please me like sunday morning
in fact, it's something I'm sure I try to hide like all get out.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to talk to you.
I'm afraid you'll leave me if I wiggle my finger wrong
I'm afraid of everything because I love you
I know you will leave me.
I'll help you
and it's stale
boring
tired
what have you - repetitive
droning
empty
more than many things, I wish I had said to him, "oy vey this is hard for me because I don't want you to think of me as some clingy always needing reassurance person - I'm not that - but I'm going to need a bit of feedback and might have to ask for it periodically. Like now, am I imagining things, or are you pulling back? and I think I made it clear earlier and I'll ask you again - I'm a jealous bitch, and I have a hard boundary around you actively looking for other women - especially on the apps. Thanks for hearing me."
who knows.
but dear lord li po, he was ... meaningful to me.
circling back to our first thread here, I make meaning out of silence. I can't stand not knowing. I'd rather you push me off the cliff than make me decide for seven years if you might love me while I hang off a branch getting my pull ups for eternity.
Likely somewhere in the middle.
just a guess
yet, here I am again creating the same thing I always do:
love
fear
SCREAM!!!
alone
validation
how interesting. another digestion of my psyche.
when I name her narcissi, I'm trying to let you know I'm aware.
and I'm hoping you're like "duh"
it's been the hardest
hardest
hardest
hardest
I thought I would
well, I wondered a time or two if this was it - this was what losing your mind felt like.
Hopefully, I'm crawling through it and won't put out too many eyes in the process.
(god I loved you
the possibility of you
the singing
the crystal crunchy toothpaste
the chili
and obviously, I can't maintain you much longer and
letting you go
feels like forgetting you
I'd rather feel pain than do that
but of course, there's my survival
not that it matters much but)
let's dance.
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