|
Did my hands ever amaze my father when I was an infant?
Did my hands ever amaze anyone?
Or were they all over it and just trying to get the job done.
raising a kid when they were all in utter hell
beaten brother
raped/beaten sister
broken mother
and me!
"hello world!"
have you ever hung out with children? I certainly have. One of the reasons I never wanted a child was because I fucking knew. Many of you didn't. You didn't babysit. You didn't do anything. You just had a kid.
Me? I guess my pharmakon is paying attention - noticing things.
"wow. this family is fucked the fuck up - how am I going to survive? they all seem to gravitate towards that one - the father - who is he"
and more and more
and then mother got divorced from him. I "love" busting her on her myth that she never got dumped. "except for daddy right?"
Maybe she has it turned in her mind that she passively dumped him, but you all know the tired story trotted out of me at 3 years old hearing my mother cry and that fucking song "blue bayou" and fucking "delta dawn" they put me right back there. and I remember just hearing her sob sob sob and god knows where bro and sis were - probably as out of the house as they could be or in their sanctuary minds if they could. My brother had a cool pad in the basement they built him with black lights and velvet posters and everything, but he was always gone.
so she's crying. I try to pretend that she gets what she wants, that the father comes home and just goes in the other room to watch tv, but he's there. So, I open the door, I stomp my little three-year-old legs as hard as I can to pretend I'm my father. I open the foyer closet and say in the deepest voice my three-year-old self could muster, "Joan! I'm home. I'm just going to watch tv."
My mother sobbed harder. It was all so hard to understand, and I'm still trying but maybe this is about you.
the man who brought safety to my life. the man who brought security.
I always remember Leon's cutting remark about not caring about stepchildren - something like "yeah, but not for stepchildren" - caring about their life, lineage, soul.... and I thought "well fuck you douchebag. an unfathered stepchild sits before you, but you just want her to adore you and dance and fucking tell you how wonderful you are and never ever ever have a broken need. good luck with that and please never marry anyone with small wounded children you heartless asshole."
Terry didn't have any competing kids like Leon does.
Terry was so so so so so much fun. We giggled all the time. He loved me. I loved him. Oh im' not going to tell the story of how my father made me be cold to Terry, but it sucked.
I lost.
He lost.
we lost.
and later, I'm a twice-divorced loser in his house after being mentally ill and yelling at his wife and screaming WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT ME!!!!! and he asked some innocuous question, and I just remember crumpling - my face unable to be controlled, and I just did that pre-cry trying not to cry face, and he
fucking
melted
it shocked me.
does he love me still?
could it be possible?
I don't dare hope, but he's all I have.
bill and Joan's other daughter.
the youngest. she's a mess.
can anyone love her? can anyone tell her she's ok?
fucking whiner.
she can just grow up like the rest of us or die trying.
"I wonder if the Leftovers is a good show. Maybe that will fix me."
he made my mother laugh - the second husband.
they would drink margaritas and just giggle.
it made it more ok.
happy Father's Day.
thanks for it all.
what choice.
|
