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the birds were so loud today. one of them, she even said "nice" to its song. The windows were open of course. It was morning before the steam room got turned on by the sun. Dobby liked them open, and she did too. It was so much different than where she had come from - where screaming mad people would lament at all hours and it wasn't unusual to have sleeping homeless in front of the abandoned garage across the street. It all still existed, but not in her backyard. not anymore. but she didn't forget you, she just wanted a break from it all. all of it. all of it.
she had failed.
it was ok.
she wept every day - still.
and that too was ok.
she pondered how she had been made this way and what there was to do about it.
sure sure, just "just" pause and communicate quicker - before you blow up like a toddler's temper tantrum - the old terror "they don't really love you - stand guard!!!" coming back. sigh. sigh. sigh.
it's ok.
all she had to do was turn her mind - shift it slightly - and she could be so grateful for what she had. peace, time, solitude, security (she wanted to write "temporary security", but that felt kind of buzzkill).
yesterday, her mother had accidentally called her and uttered the sentence, "well, I could send you some money for GLP-1, what's my money doing but sitting in a bank."
It would be so very nice to feel secure... duh.
Oh just get to what you want to say. It was something about what she wanted, what she had seen for the trajectory - the future. It rankled her what Lisa said. rankled.
(and a part of her felt that GLP-1 was cheating).
she thanked Dobby out loud for not screaming his head off. It had been a morning - ants, new cats, too early, heartache. She woke up pre-dawn hearing Edie Brickell's "circle" in her head.
oh and on cue, Dobby begins to whine in the other room. oh well. it was ok that she was a crazy cat lady - she didn't have to balls to watch them go hungry - not after knowing they ... get to the point and get this done.
Him.
what had she thought it was going to be? she honestly didn't know. something for sure. the only thing she knew was that she was turned on by him - turned on by all of him - fascinated and wanted more. she's sung his praises so much it bores her, but she did love the way he was so sure- so opinionated. she loved his quirks-the pre-coffee the glass the ice. she loved his passion for what he did. she loved his easy way with his sons. she loved his secret desire to sing. she loved him. she wanted him so badly - recognized his worth - his rarity - his loneliness. she thought what a great balance for her - that he would get her doing things and inspire her and that she would eventually feel safe with him - that he liked her - and then she could start being unguarded - finally display her wares - the kind that comes out only when she's happy and safe. She loved that person. She remembered her. Oh well. She had thought they'd take some more walks in different unpaved forest paths, maybe a road trip or two - he'd invite her to Athens, maybe let her drink a beer at his local - risk meeting an acquaintance - risk saying "yeah, I'm dating this person and focusing only on her right now." oh heady lofty dreams like that. She thought she would have gone to his high school reunion, gone to Dublin (Ireland), "and sink into grocery store shopping cooking movie watching quiet alone together knowing that the man I love probably loves me but it's ok that I have to never hear it - everything but the words will scream it, and he'll look at me - just once - and I'll know, "he sees me. he's not running away." and I've have to stifle that "yet" - because that's what killed me this time - the same thing savannah guy said "you're great, but you keep talking down about yourself. it's boring."" and she would love the alone time he gave her. and maybe go and see him a random Wednesday and eat at some restaurant or cook a lunch or walk silently together....explore tacos... visit that lynching museum in Alabama, go to six flags, and having a plus-one automatic.... and see what happens when you just feel safe, loved, and with your favorite mind and making love would grow because he would let her in a little at a time and she would be so careful because this one mattered. and they would join the native plant society together, sing! ... perfect her guitar...cook together elegantly... drink excellent spirits... and be excellent companions.
and play catch... and watch sports... and read books, write books... and just be...laughing a lot...
Time for a walk. Make the bed first. Maybe eat some of those hella expensive cherries, and she could put a carrot in her lentils - yay. she definitely needed a shower... and wasn't going to yet explore why she couldn't take baths right now.
she never wanted it to end, but it already had.
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