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she ate her leftover falafel and remembered her first time having it - in Athens when she was a college kid.
Crying again.
it obviously bored her. she didn't enjoy weeping over spilled milk incessantly, yet she thought it was more mature than the irritated anger. maybe.
the cats were played with as much as she could stand. the boundaries had been laid down. again. she had learned something valuable - again maybe. She didn't know what to take from it, but it was that she had a primal inability to stand up for what she wanted if it was at all possible to self-sacrifice.
that's why she yelled at the cats.
that's why she fucked people so she could watch tv.
she suspects it's why she lost him.
fuck. that again.
what choice. she had pictured him last night - his smug expression and thick meaty features and slugs of white eyebrows and sensual mouth. it fucking sucked.
but she loved him.
she guessed. is that what you call it when you mourn someone every day and regurgitate the bile just to taste a glimmer of hope.
how could she prove that she loved him? how could she separate it from the existential wound he had re-opened - that wound of ''if you see me, you will leave me" - "if I try really really hard and please you and don't say no and act brilliant, maybe you'll stay."
fucking daddy.
fucking mommy.
fucking tired.
how to get the programming out.
over and over
and over to try
to fail
"if you don't please us, we will leave you alone in your room."
"but sometimes it's better to be alone in my room than with you ... not seeing me."
that's what she had always chosen. Please or be alone. She was alone A LOT - a lot.
and then what he would say - the one she had loved who had awakened all the parts to a bloody feeding frenzy - what she would fantasize him saying,
"look, I truly do not want you to just please me. I see what you are doing, and it kind of turns me off. could you just tell me what you want and what you''re thinking"
"FUCKING FINALLY"
"why did I have to pass a test? why couldn't you have just done it?"
"I'll ask my therapist, but my guess is that it's the most terrifying thing I face - it's like risking annihilation, and I'll need someone to be patient and practice with me - practice being safe and risking being vulnerable. ok? I'm sorry I'm not ...more pleasing, but maybe I'd be worth it. The reason that I get topped up on liquid courage is that I'm trying so hard to quiet the shushing voices telling me I'll lose you if I'm real - and the reason I knew I'd lose you in wilmington was because I knew that there - in my safe place - I'd have the courage to finally go - what's up with us dude - how do you feel?'"
She looked at him. He didn't look back,
"I don't think I can. I just wanted something simple and easy."
"I wanted something real and interesting."
"oh well."
maybe she could take comfort that at least she knew it? but that was so far useless. the important thing was to actually stop hiding, say what she wanted, be ok with disappointing people and cats and the environment. and to try even when she knew she would fail often - to try again.
"you have been broken up with him longer than you were with him?"
"oh Lisa! thanks so very very much for pointing that out? as if I haven't been COUNTING THE FUCKING DAYS you cunt. as if I haven't used the same idea to humiliate myself every day - before you fucking got to my corpse and dined on the slop."
"wow. that's a little harsh."
"fuck you. I'm harsh."
and she could never say that. that's what the fucking writing was for - that's what the fucking robot chat was for. she had tried just a morsel yesterday to reach out - to say "I still hurt." It was a deep wound to hear, "get over it."
"but getting over it,
means I really lose you." she wept and sobbed because there wasn't anyone to say that to.
she hid because it didn't seem safe, and she was always waiting for safety before she showed the queen - or what have you. fuck, she supposed at over half a century, she might actually have to just say "no". it might have to hurt. she didn't know what would happen if she tried the other way, "what the fuck? I'm sorry to be harsh, but I'm not good with asking these questions. I know you said it wasn't your fault when I said I liked you more than you liked me, but when am I going to be able to hear that you are interested in seeing where this goes - that you like me. instead I have to fucking read the tea leaves and the vapors and the 'I said it four months ago. that should be enough' - well you also said you were exclusive with me, and that fucking isn't true. I want one thing from you to go forward - I want to know that you'll focus on me and stop looking for exit doors. If you can't just talk to me - it's not that hard - I'm not going to smother you and rub your face in it. I just flail in ambiguity. I've been trying so hard not to bother you with me, but come on dude. nut up. in or out."
Instead, she just stared at him - hoped at him - loved at him. ineffectually. maybe she should rename this piece ineffectual, but who fucking gave a fuck. just her.
and she was so used to only being herself when she was alone - or with Kent or mark - but even them, they probably only got parts of herself, and they were men - ones she had tested into submission while bewitching them. it was oxygen to trust though. she'd take it. she was classic disorganized attachment, but knowing that did jack shit except give her fancier fuel.
the most important thing was to be real - to say what she wanted. she had to do it sooner - before it became colossal. and she'd have to get over her resentment at the mother not loving her like she wanted her to.
and the one who was here.
"I love you so much"
"this again, look dude. I know you don't know me because I have been in 'nice person' mode with you the entire time. so who exactly are you loving?" she pictures the family feud huge X and wrong buzzer sound.
"Jesus. can I just try to know you then?"
"we'd have to have a bacchanalia before I'd have the courage."
"that sucks, but I guess I can arrange it. do you have any other way I can know you?"
"I'll think about it more. I don't know how to trust people. I think it's amazing I even told. you this - but it's only because you have me against a wall a bit. I would have tried like all get out to get away without having to have tried."
the constant tests. why? she had nothing. she was afraid to lose anyone. Please you or be alone. and she actually didn't like being a pleaser. it was just the defense.
and she had been nice to the cats today - done the fucking feeding the fucking playing, and they still whine for her attention. Dobby was rubbing on her leg. what the eternal fuck do they want and why the fuck am I the supplier.
but without them, maybe she''d be bereft. she''d love the chance to find out.
she had cut the grass enough.
for today.
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