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it had been so hard to send the text breaking up with you if that's what we were - I mean I guess we were a relationship of course but I didn't see it as you apparently saw it and I was tired of saying no to you.
I'm wearing the ring I wore to Augusta - the first time we got away to that surprisingly cool city. I loved the food. I loved the balcony. I loved seeing your world. you torture me with giving me so much care and access. it was like going from starving to gorging. And I loved fucking you. it was spectacular and just what I needed. It was like soul magic to gild the lily. thank you.
and I have walked the block five times today deciding if I should send you the text. I had been thinking about it for a month, but your adoration. your attention. your gifts. your kind - dare I say love... god god god they were hard to give up.
and I cried and walked the block again. who gives a fuck if the neighbors thinking I'm a freak. walk man was cutting his yard in yellow pants and a red shirt. a man in a green shirt on the corner was cutting a fallen tree.
you're worth it.
and I tried to think of it - think if I could love you - if I could be in your world - if I could live with you - if I could laugh with you - if I could call you when I have a panic attack - or just if I wanted to tell someone about the ants in the kitchen.
it was wonderful in Augusta - both times. you are so good to know. so good. you know everyone. you could probably get me a job at the pentagon if you wanted to. you know so much. you can find out anything.
I could see it honestly - maybe in a few more months or a year - maybe. I'm sure I'd want to booty call you after a few glasses of wine and some lonely time.
that was the hardest part of sending you the text.
knowing that it meant I was alone.
I was totally alone.
I've known you for a year and some change. so much change. I'm sure I love you, but got it hurts me to constantly bend to try to fit something that works.
I'm just going to step back.
you are so good to know. I loved being included in your world. I hope it doesn't hurt too badly. I hope we can be something.
I tried not to drink today - am trying not to drink - and not to eat... to show myself who boss is and as a ... slight tribute.
you mattered.
you matter.
but every way I saw it, looked like me acting
and I've got to learn how not to perform.
I guess.
shit.
I'm so so sorry. I would have loved for it to work.
it would have made it all so easy and done.
something to grow like a garden.
instead
cast out
again
a part of me though - I'll be way honest - feels like I set you free. I stopped acting and pretending and being irritated at your attention. the last time I walked around the block - just before I sent the text that I kind of had hoped might could be delayed a day or two - but I thought maybe it would be good to have your children distract you and love you
but I thought to myself
thinking
thinking
what would I have done if Leon had sent me something like that - or the exact same text.
well, my first reaction would have been complete shock devastation
the second super split follow-up reaction would be "of course he did. finally I can stop hoping and looking stupid."
and I would try so hard to convince him to give me another chance.
and I wouldn't have known that the alternate would be
just ignoring me and 'wishing me well' after my twenty thousandth "wtf are you really ghosting me" text.
so I wouldn't have been grateful.
but knowing what I did and what happened to me.
I feel
that
it
was
the
correct
thing
to do
I love you.
and god I'll miss those texts and your checking in.
thank you.
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