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she remembered three years ago - or was it four now - she was feebing over which color of the new iMac to get - gold or orange. after the separation, she had this notion to rebuild her life like he had had the opportunity to do when Susan gave him all that money. he had been the subordinate earner by far. she had thought we were closer in wealth, but she was categorically stupid. does she really want to go over that again.
maybe. if it helps.
she ended up getting the green one because it was cheaper. she was glad now. it fit well and had fit well in the Oakland hell year. she was so very glad to be out of Oakland. that had been an interesting misfit with Leon when he talked about moving somewhere and the woods of California. she was done with California. it contained mostly complete pain for her although she had always flirted with it so much. bless its heart.
seriously
and droughts and fires. they wrecked her.
and being away from the tribe so far away
the exile had been symbolically intentional.
she had even joined a nunnery.
how many times could she say this.
the rainbow room killed her. she put the prism in a new spot.
the prism stabbed her with a Florida memory of him.
oh well.
that room was the hardest to go into because it had been the first taste of Tuesday - of normal - of watching tv or seeing him watch sports. she once took a foto of his supine body napped out while football was on and just melted it was so beautiful to her.
and it had to be ok that she was way way way way way way more into it than he had been. it had to be ok to just be alone and not lament. she was used to it, it was the not lament - not feel "fuck I'm the odd one out again"
yesterday, she had eaten pizza and drank beer at her spot. she had protected her alone time. some might say she got so much that whey the fuck would she need an hours more. it was different when you didn't have the leash of work on you - and it was different when she had the mode she loved the most: whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. often it was pizza beer and books.
boundaries.
it was so much easier to avoid them than impose them.
because it usually hurt someone.
"no access for you."
but it was time. she could put it off a day or two or five, but not any longer. "I don't want what you want. I love you by now. I have loved our time. you saved me, but I'm not going to let you touch my boob anymore or kiss my lips. I respect you too much to keep leading you on like I was lead on, and now you've made me feel sympathy for the devil so fuck."
or something like that.
she didn't currently have the energy.
it was strange to not want to take baths.
very strange. unprecedented in her life strange.
but there it was.
the place she was renting - the entire reason was the well-lit, well-placed clawfoot bathtub, and she would shit if there wasn't adequate hot water, but her goal was to do less anticipating. be stiller. simpler.
be
and it was a weak underused muscle. she was one who used to counter, "so what's so wrong with drama and complexity. look at all the shows you watch - the mysteries - the games..."
it reminded her of his argument against vegetarianism, "but think of the lost job of the produce picker."
she didn't really get the joke, but she was likely too busy shielding her hypocrisy. besides, she told it mostly in college it seems.
he was so cool to know
not near seamless
not near exhale
maybe it would do to be more real vulnerable instead of anecdote vulnerable with people.
god that was revolting to imagine.
the cicadas sang in the morning too. it was going to be another hot one.
the hardest part her ego wrestles with is
"you exploded and too much emotion and I was like - good that was what I was kind of waiting for. now I can jet."
"was that something that seemed familiar? you were expecting the end like I was?"
"I don't really want to talk about it."
"you're not in the place. let's just move forward and discuss some culture by golly."
"exactly."
"did you see that game last night?"
"Of course. did you?"
"oh my god, you actually asked me a question. no."
"well, I wish you the best."
"I wish you better than the bestest."
she felt thick and numb. if you wondered. currently.
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