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the bees on the writing bush were smaller today. she had liked the fat cliche bumble bees but maybe they had gotten first pick and moved on. it hadn't rained in untold ages. she was sick of droughts.
it was hard for her to unfold it. she was just on the sofa with orangie on her lap and remembering being in Oakland with Edith on her lap and the walks had been to the lake and around the block. it had always felt foreign. here at least it felt familiar.
for what that was worth.
it had maybe started when she realized this blah was something familiar. she had had that feeling of avoiding work like except for the essentials and ponder the meaning of what it all means when you're dead.
and realizing the vast loneliness it could be - just aunt ruby linoleum hot sun old - poor - and days just run into days. then it's over. and they clean your bed.
it would be so much nicer to have love - not obligation.
she should have known when her aunt asked what he liked about her. instead of going - "interesting" - when he said,"I liked that she didn't give a shit." ; she had gone, "what is he talking about? I give so much of a shit. that's odd that he would think that and odd that her would like that - ok must play cool girl."
and on and on
until today.
October 21st. it was very nice - just a whisper of the cold to come. the trees were putting on a show and you're laughing that this time last week you were bitching about the drying leeching heat.
now everything rests.
the heat came on. she has a little blanket she puts on the gap in the front door. she has already walked twice. no, maybe just once.
and Orangie came back inside.
Narcissi was looking at herself from the teal chair in the round mirror and then realizing that this might be a miss habersham in the making moment - that that sofa that she would lay on to rest before his arrival - that she would never again lay there waiting on him - that that tap would never come again -
and that maybe it wasn't very special and she was a fucking fool to care so rarely.
but it was the way it was
she was just reporting because there was only
feline eyes to tell
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