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the town named after the ancient goddess of wisdom - her totem - her fave.
it felt easier to be in third person today as she wasn't sure how she felt besides sad and sore. sad and sore.
sand and sore.
and thank god a little bit of sun is out as wonderful as the bleating rain her first morning waking up in her old town of athens
and the town she encountered him of course.
she had gone to the globe twice. the food wasn't as amazing as she remembered but she had finally tried the chicken curry and it was good - she wished she'd had more yogurt sauce
and seeing the staff
they were talking about the impending nuptials of one of their hottie staff. a man who had played in a punk band at CBGB was obsessed with her and had made her a birdhouse for a wedding gift. she loved it.
all he wanted to do was
justify his existence.
she for fucking sure understood if perhaps more elegant about it
so she reminisced. she wrote. she drank a frozen margarita two days in a row from taco mama. she passed the river Kent's birthday house had turned towards, but she continued straight onto her little shack past sketchy and weeded sidewalks and not artistic porches - except the one .
the house wasn't done when she arrived. they had forgotten to put it on the list to clean.
she told them she was going out. they said it would be clean when she got back.
she had a quick tropicalia post-road and stress and ventured off towards the town she was born. she went by none of the same places as before - no campus - no cemetery. just the downtown. she spent money like a sailor. this trip was to get her mojo repossessed and that often cost some dinero. besides, she needed this desperately - somewhere away.
the house hadn't been spectacular. construction next door, non-aesthetic neighbors, sparse, small furniture, kind of tiny and horrible views - no landscaping and a dirt yard ish. the clawfoot tub was shorter than she was expecting and the hot water ran out before she was even near heating her body up - after she had braved a bath after being so neurotically against them "for fuck's sake, this place was chosen for a bath tub - bathe!" and she did on the last morning. she could obvi check out late because of the introductory fuck up.
and it was fucking sad.
fucking fucking fucking sad.
she wondered if she'd ever come here again. she wondered if it was all for nothing. she wondered what was wrong with her. she wondered why she drank so much honey Meade and texted him desperate peals of ... sad desperation.
and she loved her
it was an amazing sleep.
she loved not having the fucking cats to mind.
the sofa was perfect for her and the tv watching she did
everything on "le feu follet" that criterion had - it ws the theme after all.
and the next night rules of the game.
and she ordered adequate food she made herself take home as left overs the next day.
she stopped by her brothers - and was shy but so glad she had done so.
it was about to be
everything
all of
it
life
fighting for your life
and to know it was in there and the saddest part was
she didn't want to think about it.
she didn't want a world with him not in it.
and it had an air of heavy heavy vibe
as you do
as you would
and she drove home.
it was so quick and pretty
and the cats made her laugh.
she got drunk on the leftover beer
you know damn well it was
tropicalia
and thought herself
the lonliest Charlotte Bukowski
but this is what it was
she regretted nothing. the yard sale had been hilarious
and it was fun to walk back if odd with only one memory triggered
the apartment with the diamond paned glass she almost made chuck marry her to get past the "married couples only". dictate.
and she wishes she had gotten the fish and chips instead of the lentil curry. it wasn't as good as when kent had it - different chef maybe.
and she had thought about staying another day - delay the inevitable, the return.
but she ended up leaving.
all of it.
she hoped.
and god was today hard.
god. god.
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