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this time last week, she had been eating a lavender and buttercream croissant from independent bakery in Athens ga as the rain pelted outside her tiny-furniture air bnb. she wasn't sad yet. She had driven to the yard sale and was astounded to see two-block long line in the rain two hours after the start. she would go later like she told you and decide nothing was worth the cash register line.
lines.
she had drawn none.
she noticed.
she had accepted everything he offered.
yes him again and again and again until she
stopped.
why not. it was only hurting her, and maybe annoying him a little. she wondered if she'd be secretly flattered if someone she dumped wept in her texts or sent stupid little gambits to connect to her again. she had had it happen to her at brumby - like she told you - that place had been a depressing hole full of judgement. and not aesthetically appealing at all. she wonders if Dave had been calling from the Mexican restaurant across the street - maybe that's why that place gave her the mysterious creeps as well? but she hadn't been flattered. she had been ashamed. ashamed that she had been so kind and nonchalant on their last goodbye - knowing she was going to use geography to break up with him. and she didn't listen to all of the messages on the answering machine. he used to leave them a lot for several months. she just remembers snippets, "you fucking bitch... I love you...I want to marry you...I'm so drunk. fuck you...." maybe that's where she learned to just turn the volume on the answering machine down and better yet - be away from the phone.
she had been one of those and still was sort of that adored the calm of no leash of a supercomputer attached to the ole pocket.
and despair today
despair.
she was trying of course - at this late and ridiculous overdue mourning phase to pick at him again - to pick at his grumpy smug coldness and judgementalness and non-effusive, but it wasn't working. she had loved those qualities in him. she had loved his boundaries. she had loved that - even at the last Christmas dinner, he would make little asides to her. maybe that was his schtick though - maybe he was always a Pan who stirred things up by whispering in an ear.
she didn't know.
she would never know.
she entertained the fantasy that he would wise up and eventually go "WTF OMG she was the one for me - or at least fun 2 B with and let me do whatever...."
but she was waiting to have boundaries. waiting to feel safe enough. and then the boundary she put up, she knew it would be a break-up: focus on me only and let me come to your house again.
she had always been surprised it lasted past the first day. his lack of any reassurance meant she had to suddenly develop vast reserves of diffident self-confidence.
and maybe it was ok that they had broken up. the convo wasn't as easy as she had hoped - she still didn't feel safe enough to just say what was in her head like "god I'm so glad you exist and I found you. I know that's fucking cheesy. do you like me?"
but she
for whatever reason
thought she'd have plenty o'time or none at all
which was it
she thought both.
and the cicadas sang. it was the last day of July - the month she had met him. of course.
and this time last week, she had been in Athens willing the gods to put him in her path but not daring to look.
maybe she'd have a Guinness today.
it was empty to be without him, but it had been empty before she knew he existed - just less depressing and going to Athens had been better than staying in macon
and she detested almost everything about her life - but it was fine right this instant. she had had two cups of coffee using the whipped cream she'd bought at the downtown Athens target. the air wasn't too hot out of the open window. she was in the best room in the house - the one with the corner windows. the fucking cats weren't screaming. she wasn't lying to Jaimie and telling him nothing. she had shelter and oatmeal cookies
and she'd say it again, and you can cover your puke reflex hole
it had been so much fun to feel hope.
honestly
---
"you know I realized I've spent more time in Atlanta than I've spent in any other town."
They were driving to the Bahn Mi place on Buford Hwy on the way to take care of her parent's cat. They had been to see Big Theif the night before and bought each other t-shirts. she had seen the waymo delivery bots that looked like larger versions of K-9 from Doctor Who. they had eaten at a bar he used to frequent when the lived in that area.
she had realized he had lived in a lot of places. and he was gregarious in all of them - sidling up to a bar - and picking the one he liked. she was shocked when they passed an air strip and she said, "you know, I hear that that's a great way to meet rich men - hang out in private airport bars."
He replied, "Oh, I used to hang out there. There were a lot of men."
it was Halloween. They had stayed in a great hotel room looking over the city scape like a movie or sci-fi. the tub had been enormous - too enormous to try. she had been later than she wanted to be. he hadn't been to Atlanta in two years. "I'll use this as an excuse."
She was never sure he liked her.
it seemed so obvi right? he showed up and drove. he showed up.
but it was harder to explain what was missing. harder.
but she always tried didn't she
constantly
until she was done with it
and she wasn't going to stop herself just because she thought "oh that's enough time dear". it was going to stop when she was tired of it - when it was over.
until then
She dressed in quadruple plaid for her costume. they walked in the woods. they talked about her mystery book. they shopped at target. she was surprised he had stayed - assuming his Athens friends would have a party he wouldn't invite her to even token-ly. but his friends had already had their party. he stayed with her. they watched halloween. he napped. she took a gummy he had brought. he decided he didn't want to take one.
they slept in her bed - her mother's house was peaceful.
they got up the next day and searched for breakfast.
the next week, they'd be going to wilmington. she would be showing him her lair.
it was so beautiful - those times that she smiled inside.
as much as she wrote the end, she never imagined it would really be true. she was more expecting the worst then never disappointed - only pleasantly surprised.
but
it ended.
she forgot she was a prize even though she knew it.
she couldn't survive without words.
that night was the famous skin compliment.
"just tell me one thing you like about me - give me one compliment"
"you have soft skin"
she thought, but you don't even touch it...
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