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So Fookin' 'appy all the time
 
 



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post #136
bio: kristen
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6/19/2005
09:25

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Bathed my gardenia again for aphids.

Killed a ladybug in the process.

Sometimes the good tissue goes with the 'bad' - the aphids are just trying to live their lives too.

It's really only the mirrors.

Realized I'm living some fookin' fantasy. It's the day to day that gets you.

All my relationships have been killed by the day to monotonous day.
Pets distract for a while. Hobbies do as well. Spawn makes all of it moot.

In a couplehood, it's all about who's coming over and what video to watch next and home projects and dinners and breakfasts and lunches.

Alone, it's when to stop the pacing. Where to look at next. What painting to paint. what words to write? when to raise the alarm.

This will mean nothing to you unless you have a panasonic dvd player, but so many times have I waited for the three zeros to appear, random button on the remote pressed and ahhhh let the music take me away...

Somewhere. Where am I going? What am I wasting? What abject arrogance it all is.

I have become victim (one of my signature roles) by playing to my audience -wanting to be readable - wanting to entertain.

My 'best" "art" has been born out of the nethersphere: turning off the tape - melting the watch and flowing forth. I can tell when I'm in that zone. I can tell when I've created from that zone, and all the rest seems hackneyed.

I have read some of my writings that I've made in the LA years. I hadn't read them since their inception, but I did as I was alone and had nothing to do aught. As I've told you, they are not bad. They are markers in the water.

Siddharta's ferryman told him it's all the river but it's different every minute. My problem with The Great Riddle is that the answers seem so fucking boring:

We're all one. We are light. We are unknowable force. This is all maya. Essence. Just be. The moment is all you have. Detach yourself or feel pain. Don't drink. Don't smoke. You don't even have to try and save the world if you don't want to - just be. Look into the light. Live a million billion kalphas all at once and it's all the same unknowable thing. We've all struggled for years++++ to get it and it's all a simple joke and the person that's in on it has a beatific and kind - dare I say - smirk.

Love.

Love is the answer. You love me. I love you. I love me... and it's all solved from that neat equation. I love my enemy I love my family.
I love my enemies enemy. I love bugs and toads and disease and fire...
If I love these unattachedly, I'm free?

I don't think that the vow of celibacy has as much to do with sex as it does with procreation. Once you procreate, I believe we all know what happens to everything: instant unavoidable attachment... apparently an attachment that you coo and proudly stroll around (of course, I could ask the ones ((women)) who have had no choice in the matter, but I don't really know many/any thirdworlders).

Isn't that such a fucker? third-world. I live in the first world.

Of course, even in my world, there are mothers that kill their children
- there are fathers of other children that kill other mother's children.

Every picture in mark's house is crooked. He has decorated it (in my
absence) in a way that confounds me. It interests me what a couple does. You learn a lot from being removed. Free will and all that.

If I were unattached, I feel I would be dead. Even when I have satori, I still am attached to "it" and the love of me. So I suppose it's a quasi-satori.

So fucking happy all the fuckin time.



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