It feels like forever since I've written you anything from my twisted lil' heart, but today - right now- I shall.
Ah, the world feels agin' me. Both of my rocks are missing. I keep diving and don't find them. Perhaps this is one of the periodic periods where I am alone and lonely. These times often crop up and force me to look, look, look, at me, me, me.
Had the most horrible dream last night about divorce. My parents were helping me get divorced and there were papers I was signing from the internet. They had a Liz and Dick border. It was one of those crazy dreams you have in the morning when you should have just got off your ass and jumped up.
Without jane and mark, what touchstone of who I am/was do I have? What point do I have to remain here? This is a new change for me. I used to love lost angeles (strange change) and see flowers and smell eucylptus and jasmine.
But touchstones are essential to me. If not flesh, would it be architecture and dirt that are familiar (wilmington)?
The dream was horrific. Yet again, it was that vexing thing where everyone I knew was frolicking on the beach, and I am sitting in this car going through a divorce and having my parents resentful and confused. No one wanted me to play.
The worst of it was that I was still putting Mark's name in front of everything I felt - hiding behind him. Following my mother down the escalator saying "yes, mark says....". Then crumpling in horror when I realized that it was all gone - that entire portion of my life is dead. I have cut it off. Mark is gone and moving away. I'm not even allowed to babysit the cats while he's away. He has hired a petsitter. (would I become one of those crazy people who call the landlord for access or stalk said sitter begging for entrance to touch the last and easiest soft fur touchstones?). Jane? I have no idea. Left me.
I'll live, but I feel like a pariah. I am a pariah, yet with many words and promises in my pocket. This missive is dangerous. I am forever indiscreet.
My face if puffy and dead looking today.
Today is October 20th. It's the one month mark before my 34th birthday. Quelle drag.
Going it alone is something that seems impossible to me. I am confused and floundering on all fronts. I went to bed at 8:30 last night - easily. I barely made it to work today on time. Yes, I think I need therapy; however, have you ever tried to do it? Finding someone comfortable is hard - even on the pill front. I've been through 5 doctors, and there was only one (darling darling Lilit) that I trusted. She was fabulous.
This will pass. It's likely the dream induced twindlings.
I have other things that interest me greatly and give me warm things; however, even this is shrouded.
Nothing is klar.
Help me god. Help me. I beg of you. Please please please give me contentedness and vitality (dare I plead: happiness). Am I evil? Will these words nail me - cut me away?
I have many things from which to go towards. Why do I reach for the rocks? Another solar system - Shall my frightened - aeons cold asteroid become a comet and head towards the gemini system? (I forget who our closest sun is.)
I feel like death. I looked at the hovel and - were I not so numb and late - I might have indulged in tears. Will I stay here forever? What will I do here? Am I going to meditate to enlightenment? Use this as a launching pad for going out on the town? The shower sucks. It is a dribble - no pressure. I love warm (very warm) water. Today, it pissed me off greatly. I can't even get in the shower and drown in streaming heat. I looked into changing the head, but it seems precariously jerry-rigged already (who's jerry?)... bitch.
Yes, I'm whining. Yes, I'm very lucky. Yes, I feel big amazing things.
In Japan, the question they ask - instead of "how are you?" - is "where have you been".
Oh what an answer.
thank you robots.
My intentions are always spot on.
Dribble dribble. This missive sucks. Hit me while I'm down. Go.