I was remembering today the times in my past that I have comforted myself in that way - that pathetic way that makes me think of sucking my thumb and rending my shirt because I'm so weak and pathetic. However, as always, I want to have you pity me (and of course save me), and I will tell you:
I comfort myself at times by patting my shoulder like a parent would do. I just tried it. Just doing it, makes the sobs come right to the surface - and the hope is... sweet release.
I have made my life like this for some reason.
I have done this.
Patterns hello. New patterns emerge and are greeted. Relatively new habits are cemented into patterns.
So it goes.
I am so scared and alone and in hell, and then - at times, I can see the boat deck in the sea of agea.
I want to haunt the land with you. But, I am stuck in school learning my lessons.
This slow thing that must happen. There is no other way. and nothing is absolute.
today, we will serve crying and walking and fading and walking and music and tears and tears.
then nightfall and it all starts aknew.
who would have thought.
(a confession: i am rather still intrigued with this all as this is rare.)