I wonder how much money I have in my account. I wonder how many times I can cash in my chips with my allies. I wonder if what I do is what I want done to me. I wonder if I - when I get back to grace - will remember this all.
I'm doing my best with many many mistakes. Christmas.
I've been going through a thang meine kindern - a mind fuck of my own making. Sadly, it's all too familiar and ingrained.
So basically, I'm trying to not define my moods based on my perceptions of others' thoughts towards me. It's insane isn't it - to have so little sense of self that you look to others' to define you. I remember in New York - when it started (the what will I do with my life question that I constantly have fended off - constantly) - asking strangers "what do YOU think I should do with my life?" "who do YOU think I am?". Thinking - OK, I'll be that. My silly major in college was decided upon because I ran into a friend from high school on the bus, and I just took her major. Making decisions for myself is hard. Pleasing and doing the right thing. You others are lucky. If it makes you feel better, I envy you greatly.
I feel like a nutcase. Me? what is wrong? Why is it so important to be defined? Oy vey, the travailler.
However, I am here. I am loved. I love me. I protest too much. I am a contradiction. I am. I yam. Sometimes I bore myself, but not today. Today, I'm all about the mess.
I turn to counselors and sages, and oddly - that's OK, because I hear what I want to anyway.
I was digging through my purse trying to find the addresses for the blokes I have to mail for CD club...came across an envelope of jottings (like so much lately - jottings are a yellow alert). This one was what I had taken from a recording of an astrological reading I had come across (plus things that it triggered):
- grasping for symbols... you went into a manic state - fear - freedom to process things. - jealous of freedom of husband - quit 9-5 to be with him - Intense with optimism. Itense when depressed - pessimistic - Better to drop yourself than have the wind take you down (why?) - Swinging - sister/mother/daughter - I may be learning to love others by observing how I love others and supposing they love me in that same m.o. - It's simple. Just do your mission. Serve - If you're interested in something like dolphins or trees that's fine, but you're talking about messing with people's lives and with that comes responsibility and service.