As I was launching my tired flu-scarred body into bed last evening (around 8pm for the tacticians), I perused a few books. My mother had given me some, and I had been given some on my birthday. Many books to read. Lovely distractions they often are - many times quite stimulating.
However, the books I read last night were a bit depressing. (dare I use that powerful word: depression).
One was about a woman who is 45 and never married and trying to be an actress, etc. It was an account of her dates and disasters.
It made me rather sad. I'm ten years younger (hooray - actually eleven), and am always interested in the plight of my forbearers. It was the money and the safety that got me.
Lack of it.
I am riding a raft of la la land. Gambling on my untested talent and relative youth. As I lay in bed and realized all the mess I have at my money job and all the unrest I have in my netherworld life, I tried to tamp it all down.
It's the holidays.
I am alive. I am curious.
The fear? that always. that always. that always.
I am lazy. I choose to be lazy.
I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. It is my second one with this lass (career total: fifth therapy appointment). I have high hopes. It is the holidays. It is OK for me to be a messy mess.
I slept at the hovel last night. It was a bit of a comfort, but the restlessness that the hovel engenders was there. I panicked at the thought that I could be there for another six months. My lease is up at the end of January. How could I have been separated that long? It's a milestone.
Atypically - for me - I had misplaced my wallet. This brought a bit of panic, but I surmised it must be at mark's place, so I deviated there on my way to work (officially late - but what of it - I've not done much "work" in months). Seeing the cats and the mess made me a bit claustrophobic. That is what this apartment does to me.
All I do is whine. I am so very lucky. Such an untapped thing (with the fear that I'm a rotten catepillar - a still birth) with so much possibility.
If I can live, you can live.
If I die, you don't have to.
As I sat in my bed, I thought of all these things I would think. I thought of it from a distance. I have allies. I am not at the end of my rope. I can balance a bank statement. I can make connections. I can love and create.
Have you heard this all too much before? so have i. Not to worry. It's the holidays.