I have written my page of the day on "Bikini" the daft fiction project (I am meandering and just barely change the names, but we'll pillior me in the later - or I will forever - blah blah blah).
Just off the phone with Mark.
I miss those people and the idea of what it all was. It mattered a great deal to me just now. I have to/ had to talk myself down and say that being here could be good (say this to myself).
My impressions (isn't that why you bother to read this --- fourth wall downed and notwithstanding)?
December 31st 9:33 AM in the year that they say Jesus died 2005 years ago (or approx)...
tangents - I will deal with them.
currently listening to van morrison's 'astral weeks'. of course it reminds me of many things - but mostly myself - my fantacies - dancing on those floors in that house.
everything is heating up socially now - in wilmington. he went to a party at dagmar and zachs (I don't capitilize as much in the coming year). I knew I wouldn't be welcome there - neither dagmar nor kb like me for just starters. With mark on my arm,I was on sufference - but without that? persona non grata.
So much pain at the bridges destroyed. I am sorry (and sure- defiant). I totally flaunted and few would forgive me - more accurately - few would see me as kristen instead of the things. Of course i don't KNOW this. I haven't been brave enough to test it (phones don't ring on my end). I'm a social pussy in many ways. That's why I had Mark - and so enjoyed him. He was the second most popular boy in the Wilmington society when I got him. He has social graces and needs. Coupled with my cloaked performance need, ah what a thing we must have been.
Look at me - so nostalgic for something I have no perception of. New low.
I've never admitted in black and white that I like to perform. Let it stand.
New year coming.
In another time. In another place. Would you find me? (astral weeks fading out and now it's joga)
coincidence only makes sence with you. You don't have to explain. I feel emotional. and you push me up to a state of emergency.
I'm crying. very healthy.
I'm so very lonely.
Evidence indicates that I do this to myself.
I was thinking about why I have felt lonely so much in my life. I realized that Mark was always gone. He either worked out of town or worked long hours. The longest spate he had where he didn't work was six months - just when we decided to separate but I hadn't yet moved. Life is strange. I hid behind him sure, yet many others get their perma-buddy all the time. In revisionist history (and that's what 31.12's are for eh...) Ours was more like a parenting thing wasn't it. I'm ten years old so to speak.
sick and honest. (thank you kind unwitting sir.)
Anyhoo, he tells me our house on fourth street looks like a trash hell hole "worst one on the block" and the backyard is mud and dirt and all the foilage has been ripped out.
Symbolic really, and sad. I am anxious to look at the photo I have of it at the hovel. After I write this, I shall journey there and see if I am at all viable.
state of emergency. how beautiful to be.
I'm used to it. If I don't like it, los angeles is a good place to change with many people around - apparently.
I awoke at 5am thinking of a pattern I have just discerned. I sent missives and processed.
This could be the most amazing night - year - life.
I could be happy.
May you have a lovely 2006. I do love you. I love everyone.