Spring feels like nothing here. It's just another day. My moods change on a dime. I - of course - recall the fateful spring change of 2003. (did anyone see it but me?) This day, spring actually changed the day of spring. It was magical, and I took omens like babies take pacifiers.
This spring is nothing like that. I haven't felt magic in months. It's been a fast year. I shall swear to that. All of the sudden, I have three and a half birthdays with which to contend. How did I meet so many aries all at once? I used to meet people and dislike them and then find out they were an aries and put that in my statistics sheet. They say you have people around that you need. I suppose it's obvious, I'm surrounding myself with people who inspire me by DOING THINGS. The previous anomoly was cancers and before that it was aquarians, so fuck it: label me a la-la lander.
Fuck it. I'm rather frustrated all of the sudden. I am thinking of the borrowed fantasy of shutting myself off from all humans and sucking my thumb. This is death. My face is fat. My hair is unflatteringly short. My zing has decided to be a season-long no-show. I eat like no tomorrow - even when I'm not hungry. I loll around. This is all familiar.
Do I even have art? I could write my screenplay today - start it... as all I'm doing is fucking around taking the day off due to my boss skiing and shit. I hate the pressure I put on myself. It's strange that I could go an entire four years berating myself every day - every minute for not doing what I feel I should do... for fucking up my chances... for all the times I've sat in my house with my face alighting with glee that someone dropped in.
My best friend says it's all depression, and I should take yet more pills. Sigh sigh. I will miss mark and the insurance. It is the joke reason why I married him.
Oh god, it's hard and hard and every day I wonder what I'm waiting for - why and when. I rely on the kindness of strangers, and I may do anything... fly a plane, crash a car.
Leave me alone. Do not disturb.
(yet, I peek to see if anyone wants to do so and make tick marks in the book.)
I loved a man the deepest one can. I loved him and nearly worshipped him. It ended badly. He cut five pieces of my heart out. This hellish pain was covered by me in gifts of jokes and "being normal". I thought it was. Keep everything light. Please ignore those times that the earthquakes occur. It's just the seismic shifts. It makes perfect sense. In order to never be hurt again, I built a wall and then a secret wall. I developed my skills of diverting talk of me with talk of YOU. I honed my intuition in order to see things before they came. I knew if this man could not love me, no one could love me.
This is what I work on in therapy - day in - day out. To kill an enemy, you must know your enemy. Hell, I just learned about the second wall. Anyone up for spelunking?