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When I Can't See Your Face, I Don't Know What You're Feeling
 
 



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post #298
bio: kristen
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3/28/2006
00:08

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I feel comfortably numb. I feel strange.

This is the celebration that I will have for the first day of spring. I was off the holiday colors yesterday and wore red, but today it's pink, and I have flowers on my back (thanks wendy for the sweater).

I have the same fucking problem as yesterday. It won't go away. It's a one or zero situation with tons of .88, .0123, and .34333's. I either accept the sharing, or I walk away with a friend in my pocket.

Speaking of which, I have nerves over the new friend I am interviewing today.

I'm waiting until I'm hungry enough to go across the street and get my coffee. It is a tiny bit uncomfortable as I have been ASKED to "come get coffee tomorrow morning" AND it's a bit uncomfortable because I'm all akimbo. It seemed like a metaphysical friend ask out in the beginning (how does one ask out friends? Think of it - it's just like a lover. How could you discern, and there must always be that FIRST TIME to go out with friend as well as lover). Now, it seems as if he may have a sparkle for me. Not sure, and these sorts of things make me nervous. It's historical.

John Lummus and I had such a rapport in fifth grade. We would talk. He was popular. I was real and pretty. His thing - his flirting technique - was to pull his desk out from behind me - causing me to almost fall as I was a chair-tilter from way back (even though it was agin' the rules). First the rumours of him liking me. I pooh-poohed them. Then the note: a classic "will you go with me? yes, no, maybe" (have I told you this story before?).
I accepted. My friends were so for the match, and I liked john and had fanticized about this moment - wished for it. Flash forward to lunch. I am too shy to even sit by him. I don't talk to him for ages and hardly can look into his eyes. What's up with that? Feel free to analyze away.

When the intimacy - when the wall - gets pricked - I freak the fuck out.
Keep it light and easy. Don't get in sniper position. Which would seem strange if you knew me because ostensibly and overtly - I'm prying and brutally confessional and honest; but, you'll note - if you're smart - that I hardly ever bring it on to my feelings - only this if I really like you (or if you read this ironically enough). What an honour smirk smirk. (of course, you know this is all essentially fake and soap-boxy eh?)

(Fred's song is on itunes - "so I'm getting high all the time. breaking free of the lies that are stuck in my mind." I've updated my itunes because - fuck it - music is important to me, and I'm done with the 'good manners - no wave making' thing I force myself into for work roles.)

So, yeah - I'm nervous today. Even meeting new friends is nerve wracking.
However, I'm trying to be strong and think "fuck it. if he doesn't like me or my shit, it doesn't matter. If I'm a disappointment, HIS prob." Do these sorts of thoughts come easily to others?

So, in a way - I'm on Spring Break - just like my boss. It feels good today. It's pretty, and I'm going to get an apricot tart soon... or an almond croissant.




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