So, I had a strong dream last night. Nod off here if you'd like.
At first I was the Carrie Bradshaw character and I was all into John Cusack.
He was some sort of starving artist, and we fell in love and were going to get married. There was some complicaitons as we were going to have to tell fibs to his family in order to make this happen.
Then, I become myself again, and I'm Carrie Bradshaw's best friend. It was she, her wacky fun mother, and the live-in assistant/friend. It was all great fun. We were planning for the wedding and how we would all tell the fibs to the family. I suggested that they could get away with saying John was 35 and Carrie was 36. Carrie was stressed at this and claimed she was tired of doing the younger man thing. I then reversed the ages but thought it would be a stretch for Carrie to pass for 35 - dream think. We were at the table having dinner. I was the best friend, and I was having a ball. I was wearing this sort of floor length silk kimono and believed I had the chutzpah to pull it off. It was my element and I was happy and confident and having the ole fun.
THEN, for some reason, I didn't know who I was. I asked Carrie's mother who I was on the gambit that I wanted to lie to the groom's family as well. She and the assistant were a bit puzzled, but I chutzpah-ed. I asked her my name and stuff then I asked her what I did for a living. She said "why, you babysit lovely kitties." Stunned, I asked how I could afford all this and how I could fly out. I think I said "what - am I just some sadsack friend who mooches off of my rich best friend?". They replied uncomfortably that I was.
From this point on, I was floored and sad. THAT is what i did in new york when I wasn't visiting my friend Carrie? Jesus. I was flabbergasted. What a waste. I thought I would have had some awesome and amazing career. I was certainly acting as if I was on top of it all. No one had judged me. No one had been anything but pleased with me. I was one of them.
However, this new news that I was just a nothing poor catsitter made me act like one. I was concillitory and shy and just withdrew. I even changed my outfit to some unmatching brown skirt and some casual top. I had lost my mojo. I went to the back pagoda and just didn't say a word. It was as if I was immersed in oil. I was going to pee at the top of the treehouse, and some skater dude was naked and skated over the yard and into the next yard.
I told him there would be a wedding there later so he would leave it alone, but he didn't care or reply.
My gloom was not noticed. They were all busy with the last minute wedding.
It was very fun and convivial and festive. We were to go to the pre-wedding dinner on 6th and Ceasar. I was withdrawn and escaped. I was ashamed.
In my dazed wanderings, I ran into the groom (he was just some plain mousy guy by this time - not john cusack).
I told him that he had to get to the dinner - I could hear them all down the hill getting on the trolleys to go there. He replied that he guessed he should. We walked down there, and the front and back doors opened. I did not get on. He got on the back door. The bus driver shut the door - no one noticed. I went back to my brooding.
then I awoke.
It had been a pleasant dream before the career bullshit.
Why hadn't I just replied to the mother and assistant "what? that's what I am? that will have to change."?
Why didn't I rally and be there for my best friend? I was the frikkin' maid of honour.
Why couldn't I get my head out of my ass?
These and more.