So, I awoke today with dreams of oppression and squalor. All in the dream talked about me behind my back and didn't like me. It was the type of thing where I thought I was being nice and giving to them, but I oh so desparately wanted the same treatment applied to me. I was totally golden ruling it, but I suppose I was viewed as a phony baloney. They could see right to my motives. The most distressing part was my therapist getting angry and dismissive with me. Disgusted and such.
So, ahhhh happy Friday.
As god is my witness, I was so chumped out that I did a frikkin daily tarot spread to "clarify" things. I got Opression, mental self-cruelty, and truce. So, I'll surrender to it. I am supposed to be surrendering to all of it - everything. My assignment has been to mourn all the pain and truly feel it. So far, I have skated past those irksome chores. After all, tomorrow is another day.
I also realized that my illustrious screenplay attempt will have 400 lines by 2007 if I proceed in the fashion I have been. It's all about the draining day job for me though. It's been a real ass-kicker to inherently realize that god and god and god - it's just me and there won't be any other tax returns or windfalls. I'll have to live off of my meager 30K until 'something' happens.
My primary advisor says to go with the flow and be open to everything.
I promptly took a half a "chill pill" and scooted my way to work. I can make it today, and I'll get by.
My imposed aloneness:
I have gotten rather panicked and freaked lately. I'm sure anyone who's been divorced (yes, she's talking about THAT again) could understand. I looked at the photos last night (again) and mourned the kristen and mark unit. They look so happy in the first house. Innocent and set on their path together. Then kristen went nuts and punished herself for a year. Then she met a boy who poured lighting on her but she went crazy and things impinged and he didn't want to be involved in the grasping - what's the word for the inverted swirl in water? starts with a "c"? - well that - dragged into that. I've been haunted by the spiritual advisors' words: "He will come into your life and out of your life like a whirlwind - leaving you different". "of course you'll be attracted to sagittarius - you practically are one - but they're not going to be too stable. They'll go off into the crusades." Scoff. I hang onto charms and spells I suppose, but really it's a vast symptom of the missing internal structure. Fook me.
In fact, Vesak is tomorrow. This I remember because in 2003, I went to see him the day before the full moon. I demanded he give me something of merit to make my pain and anguish and fear for disrupting my entire structures for a feeling. (afore this boy, I was perfectly content with my mark and our path and how it was all going to be just fine and we had such friendship and sure I had not gotten my career shit together ((the current EMERGENCY crux of my life du jour)); however, I was content.) On the way to see him (I was uninvited, and we purposefully did not exchange phone numbers), I cried like a baby on the wall of the jewish church. He was reading a book. I made love to him. My sister was in town with her beau. By the next day - Vesak - the plan was enacted (I kept insisting that I was happy and in love - happy for the first time in forever.) I was back in the psych ward because I was doing such strange things and no one was there to live with me - so I was monitered. There were two other bi-poles interred that day as well... so the cliche comes true - full moon and all.
Deep pain and it would be my word against theirs, and I'm entirely sure I was crazy,.... but I always wonder how things would have panned out were I left alone. Wasn't meant to be. LSD Water under the bridge. Sometimes emotions are mercurial and nuts even for non-sick people.
I had been manic for weeks before, but I knew what it was - I didn't have a job to go to. I didn't have anyone in the house with me. I thought I would experiment and let it take its course. I didn't have access to the bank accounts, so I couldn't over-spend.
How dare I say these things. Everyone involved loved me fiercely. It is LSD water under the bridge. My point is that I had no desire to not be mad, and aye, there's the rub.
So, I remember it today - Vesak coming. I'm getting my hair cut on that day in 2006.
I did the "kill me now" mantra as I walked into work today, so things are back in the sad saddle.
Oh no - that whole [sic] ain't gonna dig itself grandma.
I think I'll let myself cry tonight. Perhaps that will help.