It's only a tiny bit of trivia... then on to our regularly scheduled bitch fest.
Summer Solstice, sometimes known as Midsummer, Litha, or St. John's Day, occurs in the middle of June. It is a celebration of the longest day of the year and the beginning of Summer. It has been a grand tribal gathering time since ancient times. The Goddess manifests as Mother Earth and the God as the Sun King. Colors are Yellow, Green, and Blue. It is a festival of community sharing and planetary service.
I am obligating myself to write this column. It is MY day after all. Totally accidentally (as in before I read the top), I am wearing a green and black skirt, a yellow top, and blue bangles.
I also just got dumped by my lover on MY day because I complained - yet again - that I was not receiving enough physical/electronic prescence from him. Perhaps I'm being naive. The real reason was likely that he was tired of me and my nagging ways and simply didn't love me in the promising way it began. His main angrily uttered theme was that he was juggling two sticks, and it was impossible - so he chose to drop my stick (in a manner I must cattily add - befitting a fifth grader).
I had been unable to cry, but when he sent me an IM (I excitedly opened it hoping a reconciliation!) stating that I was blocked from his account and that he had cancelled our email outlet -this, had me wailing as I hurridly went and locked the door and pulled the shutters. I was going to run home and breathe and rend my clothing, but I had a business thing to do, so I took a clonzipriam (thank you so very much mean terrible pharmiceutical companies) and am writing you this.
Again, his wishes and needs are met (cutting me off), and my wishes and needs are unmet (wanting resolution and more contact).
Did I tell you or was I too ashamed to - that I'm a mistress? Never something I've been pleased as punch about. It wasn't with full foreknowledge. My heart was engaged. He made a reference to a nickname given by his "g.f." but, I honestly thought it was grandfather. Then, it was told to me that he had a "girlfriend". A setback, but then one doesn't think much of girlfriends. They are easily dumped when a person loves another. Except that I later found out that this particular girlfriend was an eight-year live-in girlfriend - a quasi-wife. Even that could be cleared away to me. Petty things. The heart goes where it goes has always been my motto. I ended my marriage when my heart went another way. I assumed all do. So, I was given declarations of love and mystical beautiful amazing letters. We are in an odd way exceedingly compatible. I am thoroughly engaged with him. Then eight months have now passed. Although, it's -at times - an exceedingly delightful arrangement owing to my love of solitude and beautiful encounters.
I began to get antsy. I dislike sharing my lover. Not that it would matter to you, but both of the women in his life are scorpios. I would imagine his head is fucked with a bit. For me, he complained about my inconstant behavior: sometimes I was gloriously fine being a mistress, but leave me unattended for seventy-two hours, and I become seething. The thoughts of him showing her all his insecurities and day-to-day, and I get the pleasant 2-3 hours every 3 days or so only when he's "fit for human company" - and of course I think "besides hers" in my green way... Is it odd that I would be honoured to see a cherished one in all phases of mood? I have spent one night with him. He cuddles her in the bed every night unless she has done the horrid thing of "getting angry". (I do have pangs of what a shit I am from her POV were she to know fully of her common-law husband's and my "friendship".)
So, I wait. I greatly greatly needed/wanted my ego heaped with metaphorical flowers, and I certainly do unto others as I would have them do unto me. I need watering because I feel second and "fit in" and hurried.
I resolved all the time to be strong, caring, empathetic, and to have a courageous heart. Often, I succeeded and actually FELT these things. However, the strong void of the sitting by the phone rankled. The loving notes ceased, and that rankled. I dislike being ignored, and such a relationship is not within my experience - oh wait, yes brian did the same thing - so there you go. I am a serial idiot.
My suggestion -as I touched his hand - that he perhaps not let 72 hours go by with no contact - was replied with a jerked away hand, "I can't do that." followed shortly with a "get out of the car. I'm leaving, and I can't stand to be in your prescnece."
Pitiful cries of need are met on deaf ears with this man. Be strong and happy - he loves you. Be sad and petulent - he asks you for the 23rd time to go on anti-depressants. We do not love in the same manner.
Thanks for listening. I'm obviously a veiled wreck.
Today, I wanted to celebrate and fuck and revel and feast and laze around and frolic. Unless some kismet happens, that's sadly nixed.
Why don't you do it in Solstice Creator's honour? Although you'll probably read this in July when it gets posted.
Peace, and I hope my naked lessons to you will teach you to never love like me. I fuck shit up. My heart hurts and the bravado displayed is gone.