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I Wear Brown on the Outside

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post #329
bio: kristen

first post
that week

Category List
The ones about love
The ones about men

Previous Posts
Dutch Ultimatum
The Ludditette
Friday Party #347
The Wizard of Uz
Taking One 4 the Team
Leap and the Net Will Appear

Because like shit I feel on the inside.

Overheard on the way to work today as I was passing the children in their school-lot garden. They were eight or something like that.

"I'm fat"

"No you're not. You're skinny."

"I know." (giggle)


I now notice that I only write to you when I have no one else with whom to talk. Pathetic. I have recognized that part of what is fucked-up about me is that I'm more intimate with these ones and zeros than I am with real, blood humans in my life. I would assume this is because I have huge fear of trusting people, but yet want so badly to be understood (and my god god god
- loved). Pathetic.

Yesterday, I was numb.
Today, I am bleeding.

Shut out of his life - brutally and cruelly. Such things mean that he lied to me (as the strange whore did). Now, I have lost another arm. Ah well, I've finally gotten over the strange whore (thanks very much to her for all her lessons), so what's one more loss? (Answer: sweltering pain). People who I'm intimate with and share my feelings with invariably (except for the few - and that's a whole 'nother can o' worms) shove me to the curb. I'm a broken record. I grow in pain. Perhaps I'll just become like Him - and reveal nothing.

Victoria (one of the few) told me to accept it as it was all I could do.
Thank gods I go to therapy today.

Will you find me?

So sayeth the wound.

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