Anyhoo, so the endings happened and one of the first emergency things I did was procure my firstborn to see what element she would bring into the pack. Mark had been begging me to not make him a 3-cat man. I hemmed and hawed and agreed she could visit.
It's a visit.
Zizi (Pawpads, Padz, Tanny, etc.) is in my apartment right now - unless she jumped out the window - which is her right.
I gotta tell you people. I feel like a totally unfeeling and fucked upper. It felt like having an intruder crowding my small space. The litter box alone! I trip over her food bowls. She is lovely, and I keep calling her the old names "Mommy's Special Friend" and "Almost a Human Little Girl"; yet, I don't feel the feel.
I feel like I'm obligated to play with her. I feel like I have to make her comfortable. I keep pretending she's scared and that everything will be OK, but in reality, I'm scared:
Where did my feeling for this animal go? Why am I such a freak that I get panick-y at the thought of having to care for another entity? by myself?
It also messes up the house and knocks things over and is - as I've told it out loud - living random beauty. But I'm horrible, and I'll return her to her daddy until I get my shit together. What is up with me? I had always dreamt of having a kitty to share my life with and a fat lap cat at that.