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Dear Major World Media Outlets,
As a citizen of the world who occasionally views news-related media, I thank you for saving that last thirty seconds or so of each broadcast to show us something pleasant or amusing or heartfelt or uplifting or optimistic, such as Como the Gorilla and her pet kitten, Jasmine the Newfoundland Sheep Dog acting as wet nurse to an orphaned baby wombat, or the gaggle of goslings following their robot master, etc. I realize this is done because after disturbing news, emergency room statistics of alcohol poisoning, assault, and attempted suicide rise, and without these glimpses into a better world we would be lost.
I suggest this service be expanded to every news item: print, web, television, radio, the telepathic news, etc. Simply add the amusing headline below the major headline, a standard subhead (or funhead, if you will). For example, the headline "Hundreds Die in Major Event" would be followed with "Squirrel on Water Skies at it Again." Of course, this should include a photo, unless it's one of those old newspapers that obstinately only prints drawings.
However, uplifting stories of people triumphing over adversity need not be included. It's great and inspiring that John Ball, the one-armed skydiver, continued his skydiving pursuits after being attacked by a flock of Giant Eagles, and was married thousands of feet above Reno in a traditional Unitarian wedding ceremony (except in midair), but what about the Giant Eagle lovers who may be angry at sky divers encroaching on Giant Eagle habitats, or the poor woman John Ball tossed aside to marry someone he liked better who also skydived, or the irrecoverable Giant Eagle phobics, fearfully imagining the wedding interrupted at any moment with terrifying screeches? Obviously, they may not be happy. That's why it's much better to only include animals, preferably baby ones, in each and every news item in all forms of media--or more properly phrased, although the usage seems somehow odd--all mediums of media.
There is one item that will never fail to please, and I strongly suggest it be included as often as allowed by the guidelines of this new World Media undertaking--it is simply this--camcorder footage of a rabbit chasing a puppy around a barn. I viewed it ten years ago after an upsetting story (some strange business in Africa), and it has never left my mind. Hahaha, rabbit chasing a puppy, and around a barn. He can't catch him! And what'll happen if he does?! Run puppy, run, don't let that bunny catch you! The emergency room statistics of cases of the Sillies would rise if you'd show that one. Please do, again and again. I laugh just thinking of that bunny and puppy running around and around that barn, and I'd love to see it each time I watch the news.
Sincerely,
John Ball (not the coincidentally-named one-armed skydiver)
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