New  »   Sunshine Jen  ·  Post-Modern Drunkard  ·  Poop Beetle  ·  Robot Journal  ·  Gator Country
Search...
08
28
03
End-of-Summer-Funtime List 2003


«« past   |   future »»

During Summer especially, for relaxation and exercise I walk. Of course, I smoke while I walk, because the street is the only place I'm allowed to smoke, but honestly if I could smoke elsewhere I'd still smoke while walking, what I call smalking. I imagine I look cool and interesting, smalking along, projecting "I'm going places," which is sad and not true. Weirdly, I have a habit of holding my breath when I pass the tail-end of an idling bus, because I've heard the exhaust fumes can cause a spontaneous heart attack. So there I am, slogging down Broadway, trying to look like a cool unhealthy smalker, getting a little exercise and holding my breath behind buses. Such are the complexities and hypocrisies we live within.

Sometimes I walk from bar to bar. I always walk to the therapist, and I often walk home from my office which pays me to sit atop a giant photocopier. By the time I arrive home I've forgotten what I actually do to earn a living, another reason to walk.

I traveled little this summer, as per usual, with the exception of a brief family visit on my native soil. Nor do I have a weekend retreat, a time-share, or retiree relatives in Miami. But as I've intimated I live on the island of Manhattan, which is like everywhere else, only more of it. I see and hear things on my walks and write them down. In an effort to document my summer, Mr. Film & Television Rights has made a list.

Number of:
people with a baby carriage filled with cucumbers: 1
people passed out in a wheelchair with their head resting on a fire hydrant: 1
topless transgendered people: 1
spitting: 12 per day
bare midriffs: everyone
people with a baby carriage filled with mini-Scottish Terriers: 1
elderly women spitting: 4 per day
times approached for a cigarette while smalking: 4 per day
times I palmed my cigarette when I thought I might be approached: 6 per day
times I fell down: 0
times I dropped my wallet before I realized I had a hole in my pocket: 3
miles from office to home: 3.5
inadvertent butt-cleavage viewing: 4 per day
time it takes to walk home: 1 hour
time by train, door to door: 30-45 minutes
celebrity sightings: 24
celebrities I remembered their name: 1 (Kirsten Dunst)
sheer tops for the joy of it: 6 per day
segway human transporters: 5
I don't want to see your thong sightings: 731
cops on segway human transporters: 2
times I was mistaken for a celebrity: 2
times I was insulted after being mistaken for a celebrity: 1 (evidently celebrities can't hear what you say in front of them, but not being one, I can)
people alone talking loudly to angels or demons: 3 per day
people alone talking loudly to their dumbass friends: 12 per day
overheard conversations concerning apartments, neighborhoods, or restaurants: 40,000
sheer white pants: 40,000
female cops I smiled at on segway human transporters: 1
overheard conversations concerning politics: 3 per day
overheard conversations with angels or demons concerning politics: 3 per day
times I've stepped over urine: 3 a day
people looking at maps: 15 per day
mapless people who have stopped me for directions: 12
striped shirts: 100,000
striped shirts I've worn: 3
times I've stepped over urine while the person was urinating: 1
times I've accidentally given bad directions: 6
times my directions used the words "that way": 12
times I've urinated on myself: 99 (shooting for 100 by Labor Day)
arguments witnessed: 6
dead bodies seen: 1 (at the back entrance of a funeral home)
fights witnessed: 0
times heard someone yell to their phone "I had to tell someone I got an apartment": 3
times I heard someone say they saw Bjork and Matthew Barney at their favorite restaurant: 3
times I heard the word "jitney": 16
times I heard someone yell "I just won at trip to Iceland": 1




«« past   |   future »»

comments[3]
all comments

post #14
bio: john ball
perma-link
8/28/2003
15:10

wish list
archives
first post
that week
my links
XML/RSS




Here, I'm trying to be Funny

Category List
Angels
April - National Poetry Month 2005
April - National Poetry Month 2007
April - National Poetry Month 2008
April - National Poetry Month 2009
Blather
Blather
Correspondence
Demons
February Smackdown!
Here, I'm trying to be Funny
My personal favorites
Novel Excerpts
Random Memoir Fragment



Previous Posts
Please Support My Run in the NYC Marathon
A Fortunate Age (trailer)
Albums. Landlines. Square television.
I don't love anything, not even Christmas
My favorite place in the world
How do you Plea?





Favorite Things
drinking
· Stone Ruination IPA
eating
· Pie
listening
· Snuzz
reading
· A Fortunate Age
watching
· Free Radio, season 2