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They're coming tomorrow.
I'm working on not giving a shit.
Currently, I'm like "come on - judge away. you can't be harsher than me, but Jesus god I wish you'd love me once WITHOUT all the fucking helpful hints."
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everyone asks me why I love you.
They can't see it.
"Why do you love him? you seem so much better than him. He could definitely not do better than you."
I think they're mad.
I find you madly attractive. It's for the best reason.
I have no real clue, but I'll spend this essay giving it a spew.
You're magic.
Can you believe that's the first thing I thought of when I paused and waited. Let me see the next one...
You see me. You're calm. You motivate me. You have qualities that I want. I love how boss you are - how confident - how boundaried. obvi, it drives me nuts - those boundaries - but I love them.
It was hilarious to me that all the places you had lived, if you count my three months in KC, MO - I had also lived. I have one additional to you though - LA.
It amused me that we have the exact same tenure with our company. It was hilarious that I have your birthday tattooed to my hand. And I loved your voice - the accent the cadence of it.
What was underneath all that - I loved it too. I loved that you wanted to be a singer. I loved that your first car was my favorite kind of car.
What am I going to say next? that we have the same favorite color. Well, no - because I don't actually know your favorite color, and mine changes on my mood. currently, I like deep forest green and dark peacock blue.
and I love the things you do to manage yourself. god I'm envious of it - the patterns the rituals - gym, woods walk, crossword puzzle, jeopardy, sons, drinks at hi-lo. It's beautiful.
you're beautiful to me.
no one sees it.
I definitely understand.
I loved all the sports regalia you have always in your car. I love that your grandmother made gloves and your great grandfather was a furrier. I love that your parents were both cool New York artists. I love that your brother is crazy and lives in London. I love the names you chose for your children.
I loved that you liked "rules of the game". It's one of my pivotal movies, and you're the only one I've dated who has ever seen it even. It's Bukowski to me.
I love that you win chili cook off contests. One of my hugest regrets is that I didn't stay at your house to taste it when you invited me after the mindfuck that Wilmington's last night was... but regrets, I've had a few million.
I love that you made this show about temps in New York and called it toilet. I love that there are not one but two junior folks at work who idolize you. I love that you are adored. I love your generosity and how you gave me your last gummies and when I needed a pen, you gave me four and all the gifts - even the beautiful radishes. I love the money market accounts and advice. I love that you throw your arm out. I love that you're cool.
what else.
what else.
I love but am confused that you drove two hours to see me every week. it confuses me because you never asked me to reciprocate. I always invited myself.
I love that you are so adventurous. You have tried everything. You have amazing taste in food. I love that you collect al pastor experiences.
I love your two superb sofas, your environmental ethics. I love your passion for politics, that you don't care about the expense for heat. I love your hair. I love your admirers. How you can talk to anyone - how fucking funny you are - your brilliant mind...
this is so childish, and I'm cool with it.
I don't care. I just want to get it all out.
(Let them come. Let them judge. Get it over with)
I love you.
I love you.
fuck.
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