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post #39
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bio: victoria


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where am i going? and what am i doing?
Tuesday, January 18, 2005

› by victoria

the title of this post originates from something my usually not-so-funny cousin and godfather Rick used to say all the time, a story about this jogger who was blindly running at the YMCA or wherever he works out. And when Rick talked to this decrepit-looking runner, the guy responded with a panting, wheezy, "Where am I going? And what am I doing? Must...Keep...Running..."

Yup, it's like that.
I just got out of my first class of the new semester, and I am now sincerely convinced that the big hump of college has to be Sophomore 2nd semester. Because I feel SO bloody exhausted right now and I am sincerely questioning my own abilities and skills and directions. I start my internship at the Art Museum today, but I feel like a complete IDIOT because I forgot to double-verify the registration stuff online and I can only hope that the nice internship co-ordinator person did it for me...shit. nope, she didn't. So I really hope I can spin this so the internship co-ordinator, who was iffy about letting me do it in the first place because she said I would be too distracted or something, doesn't think I am a complete space cadet/moron. It's the first day of classes and everything, though, so maybe she'll be understanding since everybody seems to be out of it (although nobody as much as me).

Lovely news; I did my damndest to apply for a student loan yesterday with Jill as the co-signor, and they turned me down! I was just in shock yesterday, I was shaking and weak, and I am still rather faint about it. I am just so marooned and in trouble and frustrated. Also, I had to pick work hours for the next semester of Spring 05, and I did my damndest but I only got about 12 hours/week. So how am I supposed to get by? My boss must think I am insane, trying to get more hours (and she thinks I am selfish too, asking for more hours than other people, but I was asking for shifts that nobody else was taking and I'm just trying to survive, so...?) Jill and Robin have been absolute angels to me, though, so I've got to give you both a big shout out. Jill still thinks that we can find a student loan, I hope so, but I've been feeling this sad quote from a Bruce Coville book the past few days...

"They were expecting nothing, and it came as no surprise to them when nothing was what they got."

Plus, B.f. does NOT feel well. His right lung is just absolutely aching, I left him in bed this morning covered with blankets with strict orders to just rest and try to get better. No more smoking for him. I think it's a combination of too much smoking, stress, and the icy-cold air, since it's been zero or below the past few days.

I'm sorry this post isn't very cheerful. Please, if you have any reassuring thoughts or encouragement or whatever, sharing a little bit with me would be great.

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