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bio: victoria


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things to feel guilty about
Wednesday, February 9, 2005

› by victoria

...since I was raised (raised, raised Catholic) and today is a Holy Day of Obligation, and I don't predict going to church, I feel rather guilty. Okay, very guilty. But there are a whole lot of things to be feeling guilty about for me, not just missing church on Ash Wednesday!


--all those times I come home from school tired and practically crying, okay, probably crying, which stresses out BF
(*I've been doing my best to get over this, though~ really , I have!)

--hating all the people in my small groups because they are incompetent and I have this nagging feeling that I will be stuck doing everything, and I just can't do that anymore, especially not with my insane rat race schedule

--not being able to be there to cheer up my dad when he's had a rough day at work: feeling like I've let my family down

--Feeling like I've let my FRIENDS down, which is even more sad, since i don't get to see them or talk to them hardly ever, and I wish I could do more nice things for them

--the fact that I'm still smoking even though BF is trying to kick the habit (he's on his third day of quitting, and he's starting to get a "leetle beet" crazy and very edgy, so I hope he gets over this withdrawal stuff quickly or I'm going to end up sticking a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it myself...ha ha, just kidding)

--the fact that I feel that i'm losing touch with my inner child and I don't think I could relax anymore, not even if somebody handed me $20,000 and a passport and plane tickets and a hotel reservation for Tahiti. I'd still be nervous and scared all the time, which makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm betraying myself

--Not going to church: my parents used to make me go EVERY SUNDAY and every holy day of Obligation, whether that day fell on a weekday or not. Sometimes I'd end up going to 3 church services per week. I haven't been to church since I moved out.

--Not getting any exercise. I'm not overweight but I want to be toned and in shape, and all that takes is usually a 2 hour walk per day or lifting some weights, but I don't have the time to do that anymore (*I'm writing this between classes, and I'll probably do some more work on top of this as well)

--BF not getting enough sleep, probably because of me moving around like crazy

--The goddamn chairs in the living room, which make these annoying "blurt blurt blurt" sounds whenever you adjust yourself in them. they looked cool, but let me tell you, they were TOTALLY a snare and a delusion (and I feel guilty about buying them so many months ago... we even drove through a thunderstorm to get those chairs!)

Okay, now I'm despondent all the way!

But there are some interesting news bits as well:
Another student at my College has TUBERCULOSIS. This is v. interesting & scary for me, because the faculty member who originally had the tuberculosis last year was one of my Dad's co-workers, her office was right down the hall from his, and trust me, you could *tell* she had it. Her coughs were like symphonies of catahrr. But anyways, she was one of those people whom upper echelons just adore, so when it finally came out that she had TB (and had been infected with it for a long time, and had exposed a lot of people to it) it was like, "Oh, you POOR dear". Instead of my instinctual reaction, which would've been "You scumbag, you were hiding the fact that you had a potentially lethal and airborne contagious disease and risking infecting hundreds of people with whom you came in contact?!"
So I guess the testing they did last year to make sure nobody had it was ineffective. Haha. (**in fact, when the college newspaper did an article exposing the TB threat, it was a huge scandal because my university wanted to keep the whole issue on the down low...)

Guess where I found out about the TB infected student? On the morning news at like 7:30 this morning. Priceless. So I'm probably the only student who knows about this.

Anyways, hopefully things will get better. I keep on consoling myself with the thought that I can leave soon, and that makes me feel a little bit better already. BF's job training wasn't very enjoyable yesterday because an "insane obsessive-compulsive hippie" as he described it came in to lecture him and his fellow trainees about things like Celiac disease and coffee substitutes and homeopathics, treating him like he was a complete nincompoop. So that irritated him (add onto this the emotional strain of withdrawal), and when I got home I was rather exhausted as well so we ended up eating chili in front of the TV not saying much of anything, just watching some documentary on PBS about Saudi Arabia. Then I took a bath, BF read his book, and we went to bed and read in bed before going to sleep. Course I feel awful 'cause he didn't get any sleep (I kicked him all night, shame on me) and so I woke up feeling happy and he woke up feeling lousy. Since his job training starts at 5 PM, I suggested he make up for lost time by sleeping in while I'm at school until 2 PM. So hopefully all will be well (rested, that is).

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