a woman on the verge … It's gonna happen any day now, I'm just warning you all. I have noticed a crack starting last week … my will is breaking down; my spirits are at their all time low. The last time I felt like this was April of 2001, after working for a company for 7.5 years and in a position I thought was at most tolerable.
Back then I didn't have a fancy title or an office, but that didn't matter to me. I was heading a department with two other people who were very smart and all of us were capable of covering for one another if needed. I was just about comfortable in my job, everything was moving smoothly when WHAM they tell me that my department is being downsized and that I was losing my right arm. I cracked then and within 2 weeks quit without having another job to go to (bad move I know but it had to be done). I think back now and can't believe I did it, I mean I was only working on a weekly magazine I should have been able to cope but these things happen. I was almost thirty, there was two other women doing the same job as I was only they had offices and were getting paid a considerable amount of money more than me … oh and the magazines they worked on were not as frequent. Call it an early mid-life crisis if you will but I really was sick of the corporate bullshit and had to start anew. 21 months later with only a few freelance gigs to get me by I landed a new job.
The new gig was great – I was facilitating the prepress work for 5 magazines through the shop (at the time we just worked on the edit pages) and all was good. At times it was slow and I was a bit bored but I was able to stay organized and learn new things. Just before the year honeymoon was over our facility began to take on more work. At first this was fine, I love learning new things and I was still able to stay organized and could handle all given to me. The company itself went through some changes (new name, new location) but all still seemed good. As the months went by it seems we were taking on more and more – not only were we handling the edit for the original 5 magazines we are also processing the ads for 4 of them in addition to a few new magazines. My boss was confident we could handle it all and well being the team player I went along. It was little things that bothered me at first – I was the only one doing the billing or filing (still am). My counterpart for the evening shift didn't seem to be interested in learning new things or applying himself to new tasks which left me with the task of doing extra bullshit as well as tying up loose ends. In the span of 3 months now it seems my workload has tripled. This week alone we are shipping 13 magazines. THIRTEEN! I don't even know if my boss has grasped this concept but I am having serious doubts this is going to happen without problems. We haven't increased the headcount in my office for the week but my boss let one of the night shift guys is taking vacation. What is that all about? Oh and have I mentioned that I'm the only woman in the office? Not that – that should matter but it just seems like I get the lovely role as everyone's mother on top of everything – you know the go to person that will get things done. Did I want that title - HELL NO – it just happened that way.
So now I am stuck in a conundrum of sorts – I am happy to be working and getting a regular paycheck however, I am unhappy I have triple the work with the same pay and maybe a pat on the back at the end of the day. Is this fair? Should I just sit back and let the house of cards crumble? The facility runs in two shifts with the same crew setup and we should all be working as a team but underneath it all we are so divided. Day shift vs. night shift - who does more work or who has the right to bitch more? Last week I had so much to do and didn't know where to start I almost cried at my desk – I have never had that feeling before and I don't need it now. This job use to be fun and interesting and easy – now it's just a great big pain in the ass with some annoying clients that I just sometimes want to punch in the face. I know I should just let things go – my co-workers tell me too but I am not that type of person. I somehow take it all personal and need to do things myself if I want them done right. Maybe it's because I work with all boys – the "boys club" thing is starting to get to me. Things have got to change and change soon.
I am sure I can spend another 5 pages bitching about my job but I'm gonna stop myself now cause this little vent has actually done some good … I feel better now that I have at least got some warning in writing for that day when I actually snap and either punch one of my co-workers or clients. I doubt I would get to the postal point and actually kill someone because then I would be put in jail and I although I am already work's bitch I don't need to be big Martha's bitch too. So heed my warning people, I'm a woman on the verge and ready to snap so don't test me this week – I'm liable to bite your head off.