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Klutch.xls: So, I was thinking . . .
Wait a minute. Hold on. You ever do that? You know, think? Have thoughts? You know what those are, don't you? That stuff that pops into your head at the most in-opportune times. For example, you are supposed to be taking notes at an important budget meeting, but you can't pay attention cause all you are thinking about is how much you'd like to bang that chick who dressed up like "Little Red Riding Whore" in the supply closet. Or you've been up binge drinking for 48 hours and you just want to get a couple of hours sleep before that important review with the new V.P. but you can't get the image of shooting yourself in the face out of your head.
Well, those are thoughts, Potsie!
So, I was thinking: all of my big brained superfriends have been having a lot of thoughts lately, and lucky for me, they have been sharing them. And now, gentle robots, I share them with you.
Name: Bubzy
Age: 25
Title: Development Assistant
Thought: "You know what's scary about Karate? You never know who knows it!"
No F'ing way Bubz!?!? You have got to be kidding me. Somebody give this girl a genius hat for a day. The next time I'm about to get in a bar fight with some 5'6" mulleted, flag waving yahoo I might need to do more than the usual "gouge your eyes out with my car key" routine and start breaking bottles or something. Fuck, this guy might know Karate! You just never know! That's the scary thing. Bubzy, you are a true friend, and you may have just saved another life.
Name: Char Char Binx
Age: 26
Title: Executive Assistant
Thought: "If you don't vote Klutch, it's like giving the opposition two votes!"
Why didn't I think of this!?!? I hate all those pigs, but the thought of giving Mitt Romney two f'ing votes is enough to make me want to give up on that new intern and focus all of my time on smokin Illy and making crystal meth in my kitchen. Hell, I'm goin out to the polls, and I'll be damned if I don't vote for that Mitt Romney. Giving him one vote is a hell of a lot better than giving him two. Democracy thanks you, Char Char.
Name: Q-Dogg
Age: 27
Title: Associate Assistant Technology Managing Director
Thought: "Fat people aren't lazy. They are just too busy to lose weight."
Holy Crap! Put that in a box with two free squeegees and sell it on a Sunday Morning talk show. If I could lose one pound for every time I thought "Damn, I could be friggin svelt if I wasn't so damn busy!" Well, I would be just plain svelt! Q, you are a true ex-patriot of the Fast Food Nation.
Keep those thoughts coming kids. One day, that short little bus ain't gonna stop in front of your doorway no more. You're gonna look outside and see a bright, yellow, full sized school bus, and though we may laugh at you, you'll always have that helmet to protect you.
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