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post #81
bio: stu

first post
that week
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Favorite Things
· The Flaming R. Kelly
· Malfatti
· Johnny Cash
· Chuck Klosterman
· Deadwood, Seasons 1 & 2

Previous Posts
Notes on a Pandemic
Notes on Sobriety
Republicans Are Tough Guys
Brain Fog
Clown Posse
Uber, but For Wrong Numbers


Category List
February Smackdown
Literary Shit
Mad Craziness
Random 10


Drinking Resolutions
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemingway

When you take up drinking, you form--consciously or not--a series of guidelines and caveats: the things you will never do as a result of a booze. You may say to yourself, "as bad as I am, at least I never..."

This is mine. Ones that I have subsequently done are in bold.

As bad as I am, at least I will never...

  • call in sick because I'm hungover
  • call in sick because I was still drunk
  • go to work still drunk
  • drink before work
  • drink while at work (surreptitiously, that is. Drinking at an office party is okay)
  • sleep with someone I wouldn't have if I were sober
  • drink until I throw up
  • drink until I black out
  • tell my boss what I really think of him/her under the influence
  • pass out in a gutter, sleep on the street, on a park bench, etc.
  • kill someone just to watch him die
  • be unable to go a day without a drink
  • drive while drunk
  • urinate in public
  • urinate on myself
  • panhandle/busk for booze money
  • lie to a friend/family member about my drinking habits.
  • get dumped because of my drinking habits
  • miss an entire day of work sleeping off a binge
  • drink gin again
  • buy a round for the bar
  • finish a liter of hard alcohol on my own in a single day
  • confess my love to someone while under the influence
  • drink in the shower
  • pass out at a party under or behind furniture
  • literally fall down drunk
  • set myself on fire with high proof booze
  • sing karaoke
  • write my name upside down on my shirt so I wouldn't forget it
  • missed my subway stop
  • gotten lost on the way home
  • gotten mugged
  • been hospitalized directly or indirectly because of alcohol

Apparently, I'm not doing so well on my resolutions.

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