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post #81
bio: stu
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10/6/2005
14:42

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Favorite Things
drinking
· The Flaming R. Kelly
eating
· Malfatti
listening
· Johnny Cash
reading
· Chuck Klosterman
watching
· Deadwood, Seasons 1 & 2


Previous Posts
Notes on Sobriety
Republicans Are Tough Guys
Brain Fog
Clown Posse
Uber, but For Wrong Numbers
On the Greatest Political Satire of the 21st Century



Alcohol

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Drinking Resolutions
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemingway

When you take up drinking, you form--consciously or not--a series of guidelines and caveats: the things you will never do as a result of a booze. You may say to yourself, "as bad as I am, at least I never..."

This is mine. Ones that I have subsequently done are in bold.

As bad as I am, at least I will never...

  • call in sick because I'm hungover
  • call in sick because I was still drunk
  • go to work still drunk
  • drink before work
  • drink while at work (surreptitiously, that is. Drinking at an office party is okay)
  • sleep with someone I wouldn't have if I were sober
  • drink until I throw up
  • drink until I black out
  • tell my boss what I really think of him/her under the influence
  • pass out in a gutter, sleep on the street, on a park bench, etc.
  • kill someone just to watch him die
  • be unable to go a day without a drink
  • drive while drunk
  • urinate in public
  • urinate on myself
  • panhandle/busk for booze money
  • lie to a friend/family member about my drinking habits.
  • get dumped because of my drinking habits
  • miss an entire day of work sleeping off a binge
  • drink gin again
  • buy a round for the bar
  • finish a liter of hard alcohol on my own in a single day
  • confess my love to someone while under the influence
  • drink in the shower
  • pass out at a party under or behind furniture
  • literally fall down drunk
  • set myself on fire with high proof booze
  • sing karaoke
  • write my name upside down on my shirt so I wouldn't forget it
  • missed my subway stop
  • gotten lost on the way home
  • gotten mugged
  • been hospitalized directly or indirectly because of alcohol


Apparently, I'm not doing so well on my resolutions.






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