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post #109
bio: stu

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· The Flaming R. Kelly
· Malfatti
· Johnny Cash
· Chuck Klosterman
· Deadwood, Seasons 1 & 2

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Notes on a Pandemic
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My Imaginary Girlfriends
My very funny friend Jeremy runs on the sidebar of his site his "Imaginary Girlfriends." This is something I assume every guy in existence has, whether he articulates it into an actual list or not--those celebrities who you think, "Oh, if only I could meet her she'd fall in love with me and we'd live happily ever after." Or maybe I'm just trying to justify stealing this idea wholeheartedly and without any remorse. Nevertheless, this feels extra appropriate, since I just this weekend added a new imaginary girlfriend who I'm going out with, whether she knows it or not.

Yes, I admit, this does seem a bit creepy. My only defense is pretty shallow--I bet most people have imaginary signifcant others. Oddly enough, most of my imaginary girlfriends wind up being bassists or fictional characters. This might cause some problems, since it's way too complicated and meta to have an imaginary fictional girlfriend. It makes my alcohol soaked head hurt to conceive of.

  • Kim Deal - Kim Deal is probably getting a little too old for me. And I should probably avoid women who appear to me as the devil from time to time. What can I say? I like the bad girls.
  • Joanna Newsom - I'm pretty sure this one would remain imaginary no matter how much of an opportunity I got to talk to her. It's one thing to picture yourself dating the crazy girl who drew pixies and sprites onto all of her notebooks all through high school--it's another thing to actually do it. Plus, the voice would probably get a bit grating in ordinary conversation.
  • Yula Beeri - The bassist from the band World Inferno Friendship Society. Apparently I have a thing for bassists, especially ones that look like a more charismatic missing link between Mixtape Girl and the girl I was crazy about in college. It's easier and less complicated when you don't have to talk to them, I guess.
  • Padma Lakshmi - Yes, so she's married to Salman Rushdie. This is a good thing, though. It means a) she's got good taste, and b) she likes pudgy balding guys who stay inside a lot and piss people off. Since I still have all my hair, this gives me a leg up.
  • Lauren Graham - Well, technically this should be Lorelai Gilmore, so I probably would need Amy Sherman and Daniel Palladino to script out our relationship, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
  • Alyson Hannigan - Sure, she's married, but it's a Hollywood marriage, and those things never last, right? Plus, I managed to get beyond her character being a lesbian--a husband is a much more minor detail after that.
  • Caroline Dhavernas - Not only was "Wonderfalls" a great TV show that was sadly killed before its time, but its cancellation means that there's no easy way for me to pretend that I will ever meet and fall for her character, Jaye Tyler.

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