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And now it's morning. She had dreamt of being powerless and asking for favors from an overlord and having her first cat be trapped in their prison and forgetting that she could take it home with her.
At least she slept a little bit.
It was hard to love someone who says it all in codes. She loves being a cipher, yet she spent all night watching avoidant attachment videos - feeling most resonant with the comments that said "run" or "so what I'm hearing is the avoidant gets to call all the shots and you just wait and wait and they eventually cheat on you because they always do."
She grabs the baseball out of the yellow cup and tries to - what they call - self-regulate. She doesn't know how to do it, so she just tries to accept that she can't control someone else. The only thing she can have any power over is getting out of the game - realizing that she can grab the cat and walk away.
She obviously doesn't want to walk away; however, it's quite painful to be in love by yourself. He called her last night. She had guessed a band he loved, and she interested him with that. It sucked a bit because she knew nothing about the band and didn't really know what to say beyond "how thrilling! you not only commented on one of my playlists - I actually chose two songs - this one and the smiths - that you liked. yippee fucking ey! maybe we can actually move forward and you can think I'm someone you can be vulnerable with."
Instead, he called her immature and she didn't really disagree; however, it was her goal to be wise. She recalled the last time he had been with her - she received one kiss that he initiated and he said "see you soon".
Those were the crumbs on which she built her empire. They weren't seeds, but they were shards of stale bread. She had tossed and turned last night wondering if she should offer herself for any microt of time - like just coming up for a few hours just to be with him - she was even willing to call herself a booty call.
Upon waking up, she decided to just shut the fuck up. Again, if he didn't want her - none of her machinations mattered.
The leaves were falling off the trees at a rate you could almost capture them with a camera. She was still assuming he was coming on her November trip invitation, yet even that - she put in language that gave him an out.
In or out? She didn't fucking know, and it was something she could handle for now. She knew it was the price of this man - setting him free to see if he'd return. Besides, so much more more more time time time with her her her. She had wished for this so hard in her last marriage and now knew.
Be careful what you wish for you beautiful bitch.
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