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She'd be eating pizza soon and drinking beer. Like him, she also hadn't done her routines in quite a while and was looking forward to it. Maybe this break wasn't catastrophe but rather a nice recalibration. Fuck, what else could she think without swirling her head in the toilet.
She tweaked her favorite playlist, and then went on a walk. The weather was fookin' gorgeous. She had gotten her period again, but wasn't too annoyed with the timing. Obviously, she'd be happy to have had the last period be her last one, but one cannot control the tides.
She was learning loads of things she couldn't control. The only thing in her grasp was her voice. Her bro had called last night, "can you believe for Christmas, they're asking us to drive over 4.5 hours for maybe seven hours of time? and the food isn't even that good there. I know they're doing this out of guilt. I'm not going to go. I wondered how you stood on it. I haven't spoken to mom yet. I just texted her."
Narcissi was glad of the distraction, but hadn't picked up the phone until he blew it up a bit. You never know if something is wrong which brought her to the opening statement that always gave a zinger. "well, of course I'm going. Whatever she wants. Let's think about it - how many Christmases statistically will we have with our mom, and it's only $180." He groused, and her fave part was when her drunk sister-in-law in the background was ranting "like I want to go there and listen to all these drunk people."
Oh humans, we can rarely see the boulder in our own eye but can detect in a dark rainstorm the splinter in someone else.
During the walk, she wondered if she'd ever see him again. She so wanted to, but listed it in the cadence of things she certainly couldn't control. She'd invite the fuck out of him, but could understand if he'd say no. Like her nephew, and unlike her sister, she considered it very important to give eventual context. Her sister and his aunt was the best in the family about compartmentalizing. Narcissi couldn't shut the door on a nuance.
It was hard not to make it into pity party territory but she was thinking of trying. If he saw her on her birthday.
"Hey, here's a gift I want to give to myself, but part of it includes you carrying some awkward shit with me. It won't matter to you because it's not yours, but would you give me the gift of listening?"
He would wiggle his nose around wondering if he could get out of it, but one can't say nein to a birthday request from someone you want to fuck. Well, you could - but he was kind of curious.
"I'll be quick. You were wondering why my family has so many marriages, and why we drink so much, so I'll go ahead and tell you. You'll be the first recipient of the entire truth. Most of it isn't my truth. I'm just the witness, but here goes. ready?"
"Do I have to do this?"
She looked him in the eye "absolutely not. In fact, I'm scared a little to give it to you - but I've thought of it a lot. I want you to hear it so you won't judge them so hard."
"oh fuck. what fucking choice do I have."
She kind of smiled, "I'll try to be quick. I want to let this shit go after this. I want you to be the last person I ever tell. So, you know my dad was a southern baptist minister who was an artist and a general contractor. Well, he was a fucking monster. You know the part about him beating my brother so hard it inspired him to stop drinking. What you don't know is that ..." She stopped and sighed. "you're right. This is not my truth to tell. I won't be able to have it out in the air. I'll have to whisper it in your ear."
She leaned into him, and he closed his eyes.
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