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She got into a rage most mornings now.
The red and white Santa -like wearable blanket would drag on the floor while she blindly made coffee and fucking railed at the cats and life.
It hit her that she was like the fucking cats to Neil. They were willing. They were cute. She had been lonely, and they rushed right in making themselves at home and licking their hindquarters with their legs in the air like they just didn't care.
It maddened her.
They weren't really the type of cats she went for. She'd like it better if they were grey or tortie. Instead, they were what they were. She started giving them a little food out of pity - knowing what it would entail - and voila the fuckers clung to her like mommy.
She was probably just like that to him.
It enraged her silly.
and the other thing that pissed her off was that she could review everything he had done or said, and his silence gave him absolute safety. She couldn't point to any single line where he flubbed. She just knew he cut her off, he got irritated easier, he had that air of tolerating her instead of being light. He saw her less. He didn't want to explore anything. He didn't want to hit golf balls or kayak on the river. It wasn't anything she could pin down.
She kind of wished she had called him on it in person, but she was so fucking deferential to him - knowing that he clammed up and got uncomfortable with talking about anything "heavy". It might go something like this, but she had been too scared to do anything but say in person that he was practically an adonis to her. She gnashed her teeth.
"so, are you just not as into me anymore and you're hoping that you'll get a new fish on the line and you can cut bait with me and run?"
"Pretty much, but I'll stick my wick in your waxen figure until then. chill."
"thanks for being so candid with me. I really appreciate it."
"I know a lot of famous people."
"whatever that means."
"you aren't going to get it."
Had she been counting, she would know it was the 20th day she had been bleeding. She remembers when she told him she was on the rag, he exclaimed, "you still get your period? wow, it's been a while since I've encountered that. How novel."
She was nothing but novel at the time. She spat.
"I'm glad you don't mind."
He replied, "I think it's sexy that you're prepared for it. I appreciate the organic baby wipes. If I get you pregnant, we'll have to go to New York for the abortion, but we'll decide to keep it after all."
Those days were over. Obviously.
Now, she just looked out the window and wanted to scream. Instead, she just looked annoyed and beautiful.
None of it mattered anymore.
Those fucking cats were always hungry.
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