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more than many things, I wish I had stayed with him when he asked me to eat some chili and watch a flick.
instead, I fucked up.
I lost a unicorn, and I didn't have a golden lasso or whatever the fuck I needed.
and there won't be seven unicorns lined up to give me another shot.
so I sing this song.
how many nights have I wept into the void
maybe I should have screamed
I've definitely sung,
badly and off key
Up at 2am thinking of what I missed by not being able to stay confident that I was
worthy
of
being
loved.
that I did not think myself a person who deserved to say
'fuck you if you don't like me'
would that have been all I needed to do?
shift that one thing
who da fuk knows
today is my sister's birthday
as you know from reading soeur
I'm hella jealous of her
she would have kept my man
and shown him who boss
was and
he would have loved it
she's living a double avoidant marriage and it
works like a charm
I sit in front of a computer with a screensaver of a maple tree that I tripped in front of a few years ago - right after divorce number dos
and asked myself why I was allowing myself to stay
in the jail
I had made myself
why I was looking for rescue
there was such a nice squirrel on the tree.
there's a star or a planet I can see out the window.
so rare in this time of light pollution
heavy
so heavy with regret
I lost him.
I lost someone great
again
this time, I know the reason
I couldn't settle myself down
and say
"kristen. you fucking fool. snap out of it. you're a fucking treasure. stop the voice in your head that repeats what the haters said. forgive yourself right now or you're going to lose this emotionally cut off dude and regret this forever."
oh, I year you now.
it's so much easier to bear it all when you're not holding an egg and a pie and the floor is on fire.
whatever metaphor is that.
I suppose it's ye olde cliché
hindsight is 20/20
what I wouldn't give to ...
but I guess it's like raising children
you know you fuck up but you correct what you can, apologize for what is able to be apologized for and you keep loving
what do I know?
I'm trying so hard to not break apart and have my selves go siege it up and war it out.
I've broken up and gone mad for love before.
not again
I'm so grateful to have known him
I love his resting bitch face
his sometimes looking in the eye
I love his walks in the woods
his well-earned confidence and calm demeanor
I love him as a companion to shoot the shit with
I tell you this all the dang time, but best best best mind I've ever played with
I wish once that we had let down our guards mutually - would it have been ecstasy cocaine punches to the face - and made love like for real.
the hardest part of the whole shindig - the parts that made me cry in bed semi-silently next to his warm cold body was the distance from my body to his. that we never really kissed - never cuddled
and god knows he's a lover
who knows what I could have done to have him look me in the eye
hold my hand, touch my cheek
pull me close to him
and kiss me like a real
whatever it was
I didn't have it
at the end, I was running on pleasing fumes
it's been more than a month now
"you know he just thinks you're weak every time you chase him"
I may be many things
but
weak
is not
one of them
could you not see?
oh well
I definitely understand
now back to chocolate almond kisses
beer not tequila
and odd cats in my bed
while
all the wile
I know I'll never find anyone like you again
and I'll write the shit out of every morsel of you I can fathom
it might not be good writing
it might be beautiful
yet, it's all I've got to keep you
in my life
what can I end on before I have to go try to pretend to sleep perchance to dream
I don't know. I loved the weird kite festival on Carolina beach and how you let me drive your car once. that picture I erased of a loop of you drinking a food cart weak beverage while an alien kite wafts above your head
and that concert we went to the second night we were in my realm
you loosened up
and you telling me you weren't going to talk to anyone but just do your cross puzzles at the oyster roast
and we played bean bag toss (never corn hole)
and
you talked to me
all night long
and we laughed
and ate the worst nachos
and I couldn't wipe the smile off my soul
you were here
"I wear my sunglasses at night. I wear my sunglasses at night...so I can so I can watch you breathe and weave your story lines..."
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