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The days and the plants and the air and the temperature and the fecund fluid lust were all factors that dominated her second Spring in the fucking town of Macon.
Maybe it could be a good town? she could possibly see the glimmers. Now, she was floored by the ...
Again, with the writing.
There's no flow for her anymore. It's odd. Last night, for some random reason, she got the night panics again where it's scary to lay down in her bed. She knew that there was no one that she could use for safety. There was no one she felt safe with. Leon had not been someone safe. He had been like her mother - sitting her on his lap and looking off in the distance then setting her down when company was gone.
The girl adored her mother.
What daughter doesn't at first.
They call it survival, and the way one picks to do so is called the system by which we attach and henceforth and forever more, you're programming will be rooted in the familiarity of someone not loving you and you going inward to recalculate while dancing on the outside and fetching daisies.
Anything to make her laugh.
She wasn't in love, but she was definitely not unhappy.
She had been pulled out of the wrecked airplane (a Radiohead reference)
for that, it was worth stars being annihilated.
She never stopped thinking of him in the still moments, but she tried to not really have still moments at the moment. it was easier to fuck.
When she does think of him, she wonders about a billion trillion things - mostly and most embarrassingly to admit: did she look like a fool? did she. she did.
and that was something bitter to eat.
she used a bunch of alcohol and high carbs and lots of them to stay lost.
Until it got too much and something switched.
for now,
it's so hard to be clear.
She just wanted some peace.
(oh, and to know that he wanted her ...)
To get peace, the way was by accepting it all.
the house smelled of pee and sorrow. and rot.
that's what incense was for - masking.
--
a September day many moons past:
"I was thinking on the drive - do you think we all wear masks? and what is that like?"
"god I love this man. I want that mind in my heart."
they didn't work. she took it hella serious. he took it hella light.
fucking a
que faire
it's hard to end things.
==
She was looking for the raven t-shirt, but her clothes
were all such disarray that it was difficult to find. She came across the clearwater shirt - the day he was happy because he had proof his mother loved him and thought of him.
and the toothpaste.
She hadn't even known it had been the apex. not at all.
it's fun to pretend.
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