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God it was beautiful. It was so perfectly summer.
She almost bought another watermelon.
Instead, she put some booze in her cinnamon, pineapple, lime juice, ice - whirled it up and called it a Saturn's day.
the lord of discipline.
so far away...
it was all so far away.
The robot said her work could be reduced to repetitive longing sagas.
"Would it really be for my fucking father? that would suck. Am I really programmed that simply? that I obfuscate all details from my brain that has a vision hole that I'm constantly filling in between my eyes... fuck me. I'm so goddamned tired."
and then the saddest, from a kind broken brother,
"I'll love you forever and ever and take you away and heal all your wounds and love you and be the man you want. I know I can do it, and you inspire me."
she had fucked this man into a frenzy
to get over
fucking Leon poorly
and it all hurt
she drank another sip. the smoothie wasn't all that excellent, but it was a delivery system.
back to the father,
"I want to get this right. I'm old as shit. I'm tired of having some ungoverned Chiron wound that I keep blaming for the wind."
His runny eyes focused on her. They were so blue. Hers were crinkled bits of forest with lots of tree trunks and dirt.
"Choose me. I'll make it so fun for us. I love you. I know you don't believe me, but I love that you're crazy. You are so fascinating and beautiful to me."
Did she have the heart to tell him she had heard this from so many
of you.
She feels it would likely cheapen his experience. and she was all for giving them their due.
maybe.
They had been having dinner. It was the first time she deigned to see him from the centuries of incessant spontaneous offers he had shot at her. She had danced around it the best she could.
"Do you really want this? Do you really want me to get pissed off and pay for an uber back to my house - fuck you and feel good and make you feel good - then pay for an uber to your house so I can have some peace because I do not want to make you biscuits. I do not want to walk in woods with you. The most I'd see myself doing is drinking in parties as I pass the time in this purgatory I've chosen?"
His eyes were watery. They looked at her with infinite unread volumes inside and said, "I'll take whatever you can give me, but I want you to want me."
"Exactly. Then you'd have to be very patient. I'm not even sure I like you. I want to - well I'm willing to try."
He looked grim. "Do I have any hope? Is there any hope? I don't look for any other women. I don't go on Bumble. I don't care about anyone else. It's you." He was practically weeping but it was hard to tell.
"What is life without hope...100% of the shots you don't take..." she trailed off.
"Thank you."
"You shouldn't love me though. It's not going to work."
"I love you."
She walked away after the repetition. It reminded her of Gulas when he loved Jessica - or whatever the fuck you called that obsession he had when he lost words with her and just said "want" and Narcissi would just forcefully poke him and say "You are a fucking idiot right now. Where did you go? she's not going to love you if you just don't speak and grunt. Why can't you be with her like you are with me? hilarious and sarcastic and witty."
"want her. want her. want her."
"ok freak. but I'm no longer sponsoring you. You embarrassed me. I begged her on your behalf."
"want her."
and so it goes.
Narcissi got in her car and drove to Aldi's so hard.
She was glad she was finally buying groceries. It showed the tiny morsel of something.
This time last week, she had been
"WANT HIM!"
and so it fucking goes.
ouch. why.
drink.
She wasn't lying when she said you wouldn't love her if you really knew her. She thought it wasn't cute but stupid when you kept insisting she was wrong. She'd give you that, but if you love her, you'd respect her. You don't even know the names of her two husbands, yet she knows the name of the dirt Road Town that your ex-wife wanted to flee to from you.
But of course, she's a writer. She uses you for material.
And the thing she didn't tell you because - perhaps wisely, but likely not - you didn't ask at all about her Athens trip or how she felt or what she meant by not wanting to fuck you anymore - why she ignored you....
After the music show at the 40 watt - when she had felt "here". She and the man who had been through fifteen hells of bullshit with her when she was 17-28 ran with his son in the most deluge rain - epic buckets from the sky last Saturday in the classic city.
She had felt alive.
She had bathed, but like a witch
a freak
a dork
a loser
a whatever she was
she couldn't bring herself to wash the rain out of her hair.
not yet.
she loved something. she loved it so much.
but it didn't love her back.
apparently.
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