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"you never call me" her mother said upon narcissi answering.
"you never call me. I've spent the last six months doubting my existence and whether every relationship I ever enter again will end in rejection pain and self-recrimination or if I should even bother. I'm trying so hard to even feel like I matter. what's your excuse?"
"oh, I just didn't want to bother you, but now I am."
Narcissi started tearing up. She was tender and in the throes of accepting for the 430 millionth day that she wasn't going to get what she wanted. he gone.
he gone.
"well, I'm about to pick up Jim from the doctor. He's very nice, and is helping distract me, but it just doesn't work. I can't feel what he wants me to feel."
"well, you just need to find some other men. Maybe you should volunteer for the community theater."
"yeah, I probably should." She started crying silently.
"so, I was calling because Tony and I are planning our trip to Florida. Can you cat sit?"
Narcissi had no choice. She was living in one of their homes subsidized.
"of course I can."
After they hung up, Narcissi noticed it was windy and she had a headache and it was cloudy and she had a fly crawling up her window. It had been trapped for at least a day. Oh well, she gave them a chance to escape. oh well.
and wow, she lifted the screen, and it finally flew out.
yay.
the wind picked up. she had a meeting at 3.
she had to mail Tony's stepfather's day gift today.
she pissed off LGBT people everywhere by buying him what he wanted: Chick Fil-A gift cards.
a gutter guy came up to the house while she was typing. She scared him. She didn't care.
She cared about so little. Was it depression. She only cared that she had so little hope in ever ever ever feeling light, hope, possibility, connection, recognition, play play play
She was currently someone who argued with shoes when they got stuck taking off her skirt. She was so fucking sad. nobody cared of course. just waiting for her to get over it. the usual.
fuck
Instead of crying, she was going to just
numb.
the usual.
and remember stupid things like his singing lessons.
and that leaf in the peace lily. she was sure it was going to die. but fun while it lasted.
she had to go pick up that guy she promised to pick up and mail a package so she went to put a shirt on that wasn't five days old and cried wept on her dresser when she she couldn't find the shirt she wanted. "fuck this life. fuck it. I hate it so much. why the fuck am I even here."
she rummaged in the sea of black clothes in a pile
again
found it.
put it on.
got her keys
and tried.
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